Everyday Thoughts

loaf

2006-11-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

Hello there. Life's chugging along, and I haven't had time to catch my breath. I had so much due last week, and three exams this week...man alive. My senior thesis is done, or, at least I got to a stopping point.
I really want to find a real job after I graduate. It'd be nice to have a salary instead of pay-by-the-hour. I mean, I will have a degree by then, you'd think I could a job like that. But where?
Speaking of jobs, I told the King's English I couldn't take the job right now. I know, aren't you surprised? It was really hard for me to decide, but it just wasn't worth it for me to take two jobs at the moment. It would overload me too much. I'd work from 7 AM to 9:30 PM, and I have to live and see my husband sometime. So I called and told them, and they said they'd wait for me. I couldn't believe it! So I told them I'd call them back mid-December and let them know how things are looking. I'll take it if I don't find something else in the meantime...it's hard because I would love to work in a bookstore again, but I don't know if it could pay me enough to make it entirely worth it. Not that money's more important than being happy, but I just don't know if I don't want to try to find something else...

I've had so much to think about lately. It's quite overwhelming. And all I've wanted to do is loaf around. I'm not kidding, it's really ridiculous. I don't allow myself too, I've got too much to do, but all I want to do is be a total bum. I feel like I haven't had a break for a long time, with the wedding over the summer, moving, adjusting to married life, switching jobs three times, starting to commute to school, and working on all my class work along with my senior thesis, and trying to make everything work at home (ie laundry, house cleaning, cooking...) I just want to chill. But I'm afraid I won't really be able to for a while...

On a lighter and happier note, I had a fun cross-cultural experience this past week. Trevor and I frequent the local street taco stand at least once every two weeks, and I order al pastor tacos and he gets buche. It's great because we're "going out" to eat and it only ever costs us a $1.50. Trevor's very popular with the owners because he's a white boy speaking excellent Spanish, and I've become quite loved too. Whenever I try to speak Spanish with them they give us a free taco. It's been so kind of them, especially because we love tacos so much and it gives me a chance to test out my Spanish (which is so ridiculously limited), and we know what a sacrifice it is to give us a free taco, seeing as they're only a small street vendor. So last week I made cupcakes for them to return the favor, and it turned out to be a lot of fun, and they were so surprised I'd give them cupcakes. It was great.

I saw "Stranger Than Fiction" today and loved it. Highly recommend it.

I guess that's all for now, I better get back to studying and battle my desire to loaf.

a quickie

2006-10-31T14:43:00.000-07:00

Hello! I've got just a couple of minutes to write.

Best news that's on my mind - the King's English called me today to set up an interview! YAY! I'll interview Thursday at 11. I am so thrilled - I'm sure it's because of Margy's kindness and talking to them about me. I'm so so so excited. I might work at a bookstore again!

My thesis is coming along well, but Dr. Finlayson is making me re-write the small little papers that are due inbetween. Not because they are bad, but because they could be better. None of the other professors are doing this to the other seniors, they just put a check mark and give them credit. Grr. I don't really have time to do that.

I got to see President Hinckley speak today. I have to say it was probably my favorite talk I've ever heard in a church-y setting because it was so eclectic. He just told us 9 stories, but they weren't even stories, little vignettes. Tiny memoirs. I loved it. It was so random - like one about how he's been to so many cemetaries and graveyards around the world and how they've affeted him. It was really a unique experience to hear him speak. His opening was pretty hilarious, he said he wanted to make the talk a little different due to it's being Halloween, although he doesn't know why that would make a difference. Then he paused and plucked at his tie, to point out it had pumpkins on it, then smiled to himself. He is so cool.

Trevor's doing well. School's rough on both of us right now. Especially when professors make you re-write your papers.

My graduate school application is going well. Two of my three professors have sumbitted their letters of recommendation, and I've started work on everything else. I've got two major concerns: 1. What if I totally, completely fall on my face on the G.R.E. Then what would be the point of applying? 2. What if I get bad grades this semester and don't qualify for the GPA requirement (a 3.6 for the Art History program...I'm just teetering there.) I haven't gotten above a "B" on any of my exams thus far this semester..........hum bug.

We had a splendid Halloween party last Friday. The writing club came, and it was the last time Holly will be with us for a year and a half. I was glad no one pointed it out, I prefer things just to happen without ceremony if it's sad, and I like lots of ceremony if it's happy. Is that odd? I celebrate the Summer Solstice with lots of fun stuff, but I didn't really do anything when the Read Leaf closed. I think it's because emotion makes me feel uncomfortable in a social setting, I hardly know how to express it. I'm a torrent of emotions on my own, but I don't know what to do in public. I usually ignore it, then grieve on my own.

So here's hoping the King's English hires me, although it's not like I have time to take on a second job. Would it be terrible of my to quit the high school job when I've only worked there a month? Yes. They need me there. But I would so much rather work at a book store, I'm so much better at it. It's so much more compelling. I'm not going to address this issue until I have further information...as for now, I'm focusing on making it to class on time.

Ta ta for now, hopefully I can write again soon.

state of affairs.

2006-10-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

Today I asked Dr. Finlayson to write me a letter of recommendation for my graduate school application. She told me before she could write me a letter of recommendation she would have to see my official school transcripts and my current resume. As if she didn't know me. As if I haven't had four classes from her, been to her house twice, and see her almost bi-weekly. Yeah. You know, she's filled this spot of fear in my imagination that was once filled by my fear of the dark as a child. I realized when I had a knot in my stomach after talking to her about my thesis that I am truly afraid of that woman. I know I've sought out her classes and her as my mentor for my thesis for the same reasons she scares me - she's ridiculously vigorous and demands more than a professor should. It's like I have to prove myself to her over and over again. I asked myself today - "Why didn't I pick one of the easier professors?!" It all stems from the same place that made me make up homework projects for myself over the summers when I was growing up (*ahem* - NERD!). I think I have to realize I will never prove myself to her, and will probably never impress her. And if I did she wouldn't show it. I need to rid myself of this desire to please this impossible-to-please professor. It only makes me frustrated and feel inadequate myself.
She's looking over the rough draft of my senior thesis this weekend. I wanted to tell her to be so gentle because it's the best work of writing I've ever done and my very favorite subject. I feel like I've delivered a prized hog to the chopping board. That was a wierd analogy...since when do I know anything about hogs?
I think it's time to go home. I've got to stop thinking. Every night this week I wake up in the middle of the night and think one of three thoughts:
1. "I wonder if I considered this part of the Eisteddfod chairs adequately enough..."
2. "What if I don't get accepted to graduate school? My self esteem will be obliterated."
3. "Why do I always wake up at night with anxiety? DAH."
This has been an extremely stressful semester. I guess I better go print off my resume for Dr. Finlayson.

Oh, and Trevor has a hairline fracture in his left hand. It's caused him a lot of pain, and he's complained about it for weeks. He had it x-rayed by one of the doctors he works with, and they saw the fracture. There's not a whole lot we can do except let it heal on its own, with lots of Aleve to make the pain more tolerable. Poor Trevor.

2006-10-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

Wow - I get an 'F' in blogging. I told Margy and Roger I would blog today, so here I am!
I've had a bit of bad luck mixed with extremely good luck the past few weeks. My car has broken down twice, and twice it has been in the shop. It is right now in the shop. I also had killer midterms last week - yikes!
Lots of good luck though, so all in all, I'm feeling sort of neutral about things, but I'm sure it'll swing up in a bit.
I really like my new job. It's so much better than Ann Taylor. REALLY. It can be dull, but that's because I'm a secretary. Part of the reason I wanted to work there was to see if I wanted to be a high school teacher. I don't. I honestly admire those who do, but I think it's just not for me. I'm not imposing enough, honestly. I don't really assert myself often or strongly when it comes to most things, so seeing all these high school kids...well...I don't think I'm what they need.
So! On to graduate school. Yes, I've started my application. I'm taking the G.R.E. on January 9th, at 12:00 noon. The day after I signed up for it BYU sent a mass e-mail announcing a G.R.E. math prep course specifically for people like me - who haven't taken math since I was a sophomore in high school. I'm grateful for the class, but it means that on Tuesdays and Thursdays now I'm on campus from around 8 or 9 in the morning until 9 at night. Yick. But it's good, it gives me two solid hours of studying in the evenings at the library, which I'm going to need to finish my thesis.

My thesis, definitely the most exciting thing going on in my life at the moment. I don't know how much of it I've divulged on the blog, but I'm writing on Welsh Eisteddfod chairs, connecting them Art Historically. It's terrific fun, but the problem with writing on something obscure and un-researched in the field of Art History is that there's nothing to read, and the images are impossible to find. I really mean impossible. No one has any! The only ones I can find are on the Welsh National Museum website, BUT, they have no dates. I can't site a work I can't date, and I can't see it myself to determine anything. So, the only logical thing to do is to go to Wales and do the work myself. I'm really not kidding - I'm dead set on going. I'm 98% sure this thesis will be enough work to write a whole book on, let alone my Master's Thesis, so I'm plunging ahead with it. I'm going to apply for grants and pick up two jobs between the time I graduate and start graduate school, but I think I have another way to do it too...I just really need to get to the National Library in Wales, and to all the museums, private collections, and small galleries with Eisteddfod prizes. They're all over the place - no single library has the "largest collection" of Eisteddfod chairs or medals, and as far as I can tell and find and extract, there has never been a collecting of all the Eisteddfod prizes ever. So, I guess I'm the one to do it! I'm so excited, but this huge of a project is sort of overwhelming, but in a compelling way, not an Islamic art (or now Mesoamerican art) sort of way :).

What else is new? I'm as happy as ever with Trevor. I love love love being married to him. Life is sweet. I just don't have any time with him! I never get to see him enough. I'm at school now till way late at night, and he's at work really late at night the rest of the days. We're just crazy about each other, and have so much fun together.
Best thing about fall - electric bill is extremely reduced. I hate the cold, but not as much as Trevor hates being hot. We don't have to have the AC on all night anymore - I just bundle up and the heater hasn't been on once yet. Can't wait to see the electric bill this month!

I am really anxious to get back to work on homework, so I'm going to leave things at that, even though there's a million things to say....

light at the end of the tunnel

2006-09-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's my last day at Ann Taylor. I've been toying with the idea of keeping a few hours here and there, because we need the money, but no way. I'm tired of hearing the girl next to me talk about her dabbles and adventures in homosexuality, messing with artists' heads by sending them photos of her naked, and how she gets drunk every night and is saving up to move to England to be with her British boyfriend she met in a bar in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, while she was drunk. It's not like I solicit these stories. She doesn't even address them to me. She addresses them to the whole workforce here. She's like an on-going, terribly written, dramatic soliloquy that fills the gaps between calls. I really don't like her language, stories, or even aura floating around my being. I've never met someone quite so scary, such a liar, or as frightening. I really pity her deep down, because below all her insane nonsense, there has to be some insecure, hurt person...but I don't think I could ever help her out of it, all she does it fill the room with clouds. It's all a cry for attention.

I'm getting really excited about my Eisteddfod paper! My old Welsh professor has asked me to come into all his classes and introduce my paper, and see if they have any help to offer! This idea keeps growing, and researching is getting fun, but I'm starting to find a lot of dead ends. Even the BYU library isn't reaping enough sources for me. I guess it is pretty obscure!

I'm sad to be missing Saturday conference. Trevor's at his parent's house watching it with them. I love General Conference so much! It's frustrating because I won't be working Saturdays for a while, so why is it I had to miss this Saturday? Ah, c'est la vie I suppose.

Next time I will blog, I'll be Ann Taylor free! No more crazy, soul-deadening stories!

2006-09-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

I had my first real taste of male-preference sexism the other day. BYU had a career fair, which, for some inexplicable reason, I was excited for and took a day off work to go down to. Total waste of time. First of all, it was more like a circus, loads of people and way too much advertising. It was loud, it was crowded, in short, awful. I'd stand in line to talk to some employer, but if there was a male next to me, behind me, twenty feet away from me, they'd ignore me as if I wasn't there and speak to the male. I am not kidding. I'm not really all that sensitive to preferences in the sexes, and in my mind the whole world sees them as the same. It was a total shock to me! It wasn't like the men were being louder, more well-dressed or better behaved than me, it's just that they were male. I was completely shocked. The employers would literally look right through me. I was so mad!!! I just couldn't believe it. By the third time it happened I just started laughing, and got the heck out of there. Do you want to know who the only two companies/institutions who treated me like a human being? The county jailer, and Teach for America. Even in Teach for America the only reason the representative talked to me was because I butted in on a conversation she was having with, you guessed it, a guy. WOW. I left in quite a huff.
I had loads of resumes I was hoping to place, but didn't drop off a single one.
Anyway, tomorrow is technically the last day I'm here at Ann Taylor. I'm still looking for a second, evening job. We'll see how it goes. I'll be happy to leave Ann Taylor.
Dr. Finlayson is making me re-write one of my practicums. We write one a week, so I don't put any more effort into them than I really have to. She's the ONLY professor out of all the other Art History professors who are making her two senior thesis students re-write our practicums. Gah. Too much work for this semester!
I'm planning to take the GRE, because I'm hoping to apply for graduate school for next fall. Why are they doing this to me? I haven't studies math in oh, 4 or 5 years? I can hardly balance my checkbook. In fact I have to use a calculator. *Sigh*.
Anyway, it's Friday, I'm in love. Just gatta chill tonight.

YESSS!

2006-09-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

Got the job at the high school!!! YAYA!!! I had my interview this morning, and they called me back around 1 PM. Hoorah!

Now of course I'm feeling guilty for quitting my other job, and wonder how I'm going to break the news. I really don't know how to quit. I quit my first job in an extremely sheepish way, just dropped a note off to my supervisor. I don't feel like I quit the Read Leaf, because I really didn't. So how do I quit this job? Just go to the supervisor and say "I'm quitting - in fact I really can't even come in next week, they need me right away." Which is true. They want me ASAP. Understandable. One of the best things is that Robyn, the principle, knows that I may be switching jobs again once I've graduated. That's cool. I really like her.

Oh yay. New job. One I'll like better. One where I'll actually HELP people instead of cheat them out of their money. I really didn't plan on doing any of this. But hey, it happened. Let's quit Ann Taylor. My quality of life will greatly improve. I feel like a great big stone has been heaved out of my chest, and I'm feeling rather light today.

Funny story though - Robyn, once she told me I had the job, she had to fill out this form, asking all these questions like my birthday, social securite, etc. Part of the conversation went like this:
Robyn: "Eye color?"
Me: "Blue."
Robyn: "Wieght."
Me: *nothing, thinking she said "wait."*
Robyn: "I know, these questions are pretty personal!"
Me: *chuckle, still waiting for the next question*
Robyn: "I promise I won't remember it - I never remember numbers!"
Me: *wondering what she's talking about, maybe she's not addressing me anymore*
Robyn: "So umm, what was your weight?"
Me: "OH! Oh oh oh. Ha ha. Um, 140 lbs."

Good News!

2006-09-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

What ho! Guess what good news?! The High School (East High School) I want to work at called me back today and wants an interview - Thursday at 7 AM. Linda, the woman who called me back, told me they had several positions open they'd like to consider me for. I AM SO EXCITED!!! This could potentially mean the end of Ann Taylor and the beginning of something NEW! Man, nothing can go wrong today! Even if I don't get the job, just to know they wanted to interview me and to know there is a real chance out there to get out of AT, and way before December. I know I'd be making less money, but I think we'll still be okay. I'll probably have to pick up a second job. I wish I could tell Ann Taylor "I QUIT!" tomorrow. But we'll have to wait. Maybe next Monday I can :) or maybe by Saturday.
Just thought I'd spread the excitement!

I'm also making quite a lot of headway on my Eisteddfod paper, which is so much fun to research. Studying for my online class exam, on the other hand, is not. I never do that. I swear I'm going to fail that class! But I'm not going to think about that, I'm going to think about what I'm going to wear and say at the interview!

2006-09-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

Do you remember our dirty-business neighbors downstairs below the apartment? I think I've concluded they are drug dealers, because of the insistence and utter desperateness with which people come knocking. Trevor told me that after he dropped me off to work at 6:45 AM on Saturday and crawled back into bed, this man came knocking on their door. Not just maybe a series of two three-tap knocks, but a consistent, non-ceasing knock for an HOUR straight. Knocking on the window, knocking on the door, knocking on the walls...I swear! Anyway, we both thought it would be a one time deal, but this morning, at 4:30 AM (!) this same Chinese fellow came knocking. And loudly. We were so annoyed. I told Trevor to go tell him to shut up (I never use that terminology) but then I realized that maybe getting the attention of a drug-deprived addict may not be the most advantageous thing to do...our neighbors must have thought the same thing because no one else went out there to stop him, and I know they must have heard him too.
Funny story about our crazy neighbors. Saturday Trevor and I were walking up the stairs and Trev dropped a roll of sinew (to make his brothers some leather books for Christmas) which was pretty heavy and big. He dropped it, it hit two stairs, then landed on our neighbor's air conditioner, creating a calamatous racket. The next minute we hear them scrambling to lock the door, then a series of furious lockings. It was so funny!!! The thing is we know they are almost always home, because there is usually a steady stream of visitors in and out. I guess our Chinese man never
received an invite...
I wish there was some real basis we could ask the police to check out their apartment. We know there is shady business going on down there, and even though it isn't directly affecting us now, we're afraid it might one of these days. I thought they were pretty harmless to us until the time their window had been shattered open and glass was all over the walkway. Then I got a little nervous.

I am having a bad attitude towards work today. REALLY bad. I'm angry to be here. I haven't heard a peep from any of the jobs I've applied for. Granted it hasn't even been a week for the majority, but I was hoping maybe later today I'd hear something...I would rather work two less paying jobs for more hours that I enjoy (or at least don't heartily hate) than work here. Everybody deals with anxiety and stress differently, well, my body goes through a series of inconveniences associated with anxiety that signal the level it's affecting me. They go like this:
1. Minor stress - slight head ache.
2. Medium stress - constricting in my chest and breathing feels tight
3. Maximum load - the muscle under my left shoulder bone down to the middle of my back gets painfully tight and won't let up until I've had time to destress.
I've never hit level 3 for this job, but last night I felt like I couldn't breathe when I realized I had to wake up at 5 AM to get to this job...
But you know what, at least I'm not in the same position as the girl next to me. I only know this through her conversations with those around me (and whenever I try to hop in the conversation they just look at me and don't include me, so I've quit trying. And now I know it's me because the newer training class has seemed to fit in fine. Probably because they are all 18 too...) Anyway, she's sending off a missionary this next Wednesday, and I remember how she felt when Trevor left...Hah!
But he's home and I married that boy!

Saturday was the famous India Fest at the Hare Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork. Trev and I went with a bunch of pals and it was great fun. I got a henna tattoo! I've always wanted to have one! It was crazy, this little Indian woman had a cake decorating squeeze tube (at least, that's what it looked like to me) and could make the most elaborate and detailed tattoos with them. I wanted to get this one that went all the way up my arm, but they didn't accept checks, so I only had money enough to get one on my hand, but she was really nice and did my fingers too. It looks really cool!
The whole evening was great, except it was freeeezing! I couldn't put my hand into my coat because I had to let the henna sink in my skin, so I had to leave it out! I thought it was going to fall off!!! I wanted to get back in the car and warm up, but they were about to burn up the twenty-foot high, ten-headed effigy at the end of the Ramayana, which I wanted to see (why wouldn't you?!) and it was well worth the wait and the freezing. The actor playing Rama took "flaming arrows" which were actually Roman candles, and was setting up to shoot them at the evil demon, but his arrow
was faced the wrong direction, and he sent the flaming arrows into the crowd! People started backing away quickly, but one fellow was not quite so fast. He was just walking up the hill to see the action, when a flaming ball of fire hit his chest from Rama's arrow! He panicked and started running in circles hitting his chest, which surprisingly put out the fire relatively quickly, but I think he got his chinned badly burned. (I promise I don't like to see people catch on fire, it was just the craziest thing to see!) Finally Rama got his arrow directed correctly and shot the effigy, which had fireworks in the underpinnings, creating quite the dramatic display! It was great fun.

So I did have a good weekend, and I did a lot of homework too. But man alive I have so much more to do! Dr. Finlayson wants at least an outline, and better yet a rough draft, this Thursday for my Eisteddfod paper. That's asking a lot, and it's consuming my brain. I also have to study for an exam for my online class, which I have no doubt I'm going to fail because I hardly did any reading for the class thus far, AT ALL. Oh well. I guess I'm a senior and have a certain level of "senioritus."

I want to get out of here. I hate this desk. I'm so negative and angry about this job today. I know I could get myself to be more positive, I keep thinking thoughts like: "Margy would make the best of this. Stacey would make the best of this. Trevor would make the best of this." But then I think, "But I know my mom would have quit a long time ago." So for now it feels better just to be negative. It's a lot easier to see the bad sides of this job than the good. And I'm spending all my energy trying to get my homework done. There's none left to make this job seem better. But I'm in a surprisingly good mood, probably because I'm realizing I go to break at 8.

2006-09-13T16:50:00.001-07:00

So...this morning I woke up at 5 AM -- ON MY OWN. I guess I'm getting used to my schedule. I head downstairs, make myself presentable, make lunch, and I head upstairs to kiss Trevor goodbye for the day. As soon as I crawled back in bed and let Trevor hold me, I started crying. I could not go to work today. There was no way on earth. I couldn't go back to Ann Taylor. Yes, I am a baby, a total wuss. The thing is, I'm so tough in other areas!!! I mean, in so many other areas I am not effected by things, but for some reason this job is affecting me down to the core.
Anyway, I called in sick. I was sick, sick of that job. I just couldn't sit at my stupid cubicle for 10 more hours. Instead, I went back to bed till I had to take Trevor to class at 7. I came home right away, and like a fury, cleaned the house. I mean, it's NEVER been this clean. Wow. I attached the pictures, in case you don't believe me.
Then I applied for more jobs. I applied to be a secretary at a high school near here (hey, why not? Sounds like fun) and, finally, I turned in my resume and a letter of intent to the King's English. The fella I gave it to (I think his name is Marcus) knows Trevor and I from our frequent and recent visits, and when I turned in my resume he gave this exasperated look and said, "It's about damn time!" I laughed, and it made me feel pretty good. I also already had an interview, at this marketing firm, today at 5. They called me back for an interview within hours of submitting my resume. At first I was flattered, but then I realized they did it for EVERYone. They told me they're picking out a "lucky 7" in the next hour for call-back interviews. I know I'm not getting a call (and that's okay, they weren't too inspiring - ALTHOUGH, they did have Van Gogh's Cafe Scene at Night framed against the exact color blue of his sky, making the yellow of the cafe looking terrific. If I'm ever curating a Van Gogh exhibit, I'm going to present Cafe like that!
I'm going to write a paper, then wait for Trevor to come home........

day off full of work

2006-09-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

pictures

2006-09-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm totally stealing someone else's internet....someone in the apartment complex hasn't locked their internet, and for a brief moment, we're online! Yeehah! I thought I'd take the moment to post some fun pictures of our EXTREMELY MESSY apartment, Trevor, and the ole writing gang who came and had a party here a while ago.
P.S.~ Holly and Craig aren't smoking, in case you were worried. They're Italian cookies. Ha ha.

September 11th

2006-09-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

I guess since it's the fifth anniversary of September 11th, as an American, I feel like I've needed to reflect and think about what we've learned...

I'm like everyone else in feeling like we'll never forget that morning. In the five years we've seen so many changes in the very core of our nation. I don't think all of them are good changes. Americans felt less impervious, which is good, but more suspicious. Americans saw their world as smaller, but almost more constricting. Prejudices rose. I remember knowing an Egyptian woman vicariously through my pseudo aunt in Logan, and how she was being spit at in the supermarket and refused to be serviced at multiple places. How could we have let the hatred of a ridiculously small
group of terrorists make us treat any group of people differently? It effected us immediately after the attacks, but didn't end there.

When I went to lunch with my mom, Margy and Lisa, we discussed how America always holds itself up to such high standards. We really do self-evaluate and highly scrutinize our dealings with ourselves and others, which I think is useful in some
circumstances (Guantanomo Bay) but I also wonder if England had used the same strict adherences, would they have caught the recent terrorist plot?

In my own small sphere 9/11 marked a moment of growing up. I was only a junior in high school and it really opened my eyes to so many things. I don't ever remember feeling anger towards the Muslim world, ever. I don't even remember being angry
at the terrorists, but I wondered what on earth they concieved America doing that would make them so angry. What could we have possibly done to make this small group of men so angry they would murder strangers, and killing themselves in the act?
They practically started a world war with it. I started studying the Muslim culture as much as I could. I bought a Qu'ran and tried my best to read it through (THAT was a challenge!), and I would read articles and books about the religion. I took
a world's religion class specifically to understand more of how the Muslim world fits in with the rest of world religions. I took Islamic art to further my understanding too (don't refer back to those blogs -- yikes.) On Semester at Sea I visited many mosques and spoke with many Muslims. I can tell you that while I understand a great deal more about the culture, and religion, I don't know if I yet understand why 9/11 happened. Granted, I understand that the terrorists who attacked on 9/11 they were NOT actually Islamic, any more than polygamists down in southern Utah are members of the LDS Church. So I don't understand what kind and what amount of hatred could have produced such an act, but I still do not harbor anger towards them, I just wish the world hadn't changed because of it.

2006-09-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

I got to meet Shannon Hale today at the King's English! It was really fun. She's such a friendly, kind lady. I like her a lot. We chatted about her blog and about writing, and I talked to her about the Read Leaf. It's been the fourth time I've been to the King's English in the two months I've lived in Salt Lake, it's such a happy place. I've asked every time if they're looking for help and at what hours, but I think I'm going to get serious about it and ask Margy to introduce me to the owners sometime (do you mind, Margy?).
Trev and I are at the Salt Lake Library doing homework. Well, he's doing homework, and I should be too, but I'm blogging *blush*. But I am going now to look for some titles to read for my thesis...
Happy weekend!

(P.S.~ Unbeknownst to me until a few hours ago we're going over the Trevor's parent's home tomorrow for dinner...I'm just bummed because I was sooooo looking forward to a down day at home...now I have to be social, and ignored by his family, and spend hours playing games I hate playing (Aggravation, namely, hate that game)........man! We went with his parents to the Greek Festival today. They are really nice, but his mother drives me up a wall. I know all of you who've met her are probably thinking I'm just a snobby-snobby brat, but you really have to see it. She drives me crazy frequently. Boy I have an unkind heart. I should spend Sunday repenting.)

friday

2006-09-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've said I only have to endure this job till Christmas, but it may
end up being much earlier. Trevor & I are going job hunting this
afternoon when I'm off my shift. I really have a difficult time
here, and I think I've already exhausted the reasons why. I do
feel bad for abandoning a job where they put two weeks solid of
training and only work for a month, but they haven't done a lot
to incurr loyalty in me.
When I was first searching for a new job, I kept thinking I should
go to the airport. Every time I went out I thought it, but never
made it out there. I know I should have in the first place, but
I sort of forgot about it for a while. Then I saw my old friend
Piper in one of my classes, and she was telling me how terrific
it was working for the SLC airport. It was a sign! So today T and
I are heading out to the airport to place my resume in some
searching hands *hopefully*. We're also going to another place
Trevor knows of. Is it horrible of me to leave this job so early?
I'm not feeling too guilty about it, but maybe my conscience is
not being as acute as it should be....

I finally started work on my thesis. Dr. Finlayson and I finally
bumped into each other for her to sign me up for the 498 class
and talk to me about which paper to write about. To my delight
she thought my Celtic paper would make the best thesis. So she's
taking home a copy this weekend and going to hack it to pieces
so we can make a new creature - my senior thesis!

Oh, and I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but Holly's going
to TAIWAN on her mission! How excited I am! I think about it all
the time. I get to see her tonight at a party at Craig's, which
I've been looking forward to all week. I have a special gift to
give her!

Wow, the Read Leaf building is really changing! I drove by it the
other day on my way to my folk's house to pick up some of my
warmer clothes for fall, and they're really starting to work on it!
It's still strange to see...

Shannon Hale's coming to the King's English on Saturday, and I'm
planning to head up there! I can only come an hour later than when
she arrives, so I'm hoping I'll still get a chance to meet her.

I'm feeling really good today, even if I am at work. I think it's
the prospect of it ending much sooner than I expected, and also
knowing I get to spend another semester writing on a subject I really
like. I think if my thesis goes well, I may use it to create a
background idea for my Master's thesis! Hoorah! It's also Friday -
yes!!! Hope you're having a good day too!

litte nervous

2006-09-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm at work again, cheating by websurfing. I'm feeling sort of negative today
so please forgive me.
School started yesterday. I tell ya, if every semester had been like this one,
I could go to school forever. I'm taking a class on the history of Rome, a class
on Early Christian/Byzantine art, a Southern Mesoamerican Art (Mayan art) and
my senior thesis. Not so bad! I also have that stupid online class to finish...
I have to finish it by November, so I guess I will eventually get it done, I hope!
All I could think of all day at school was how much I want to get my master's
degree. I'm planning on it now, but I am pretty intimidated by the application
process, specifically the fact that I have to already have a game plan for my
thesis...I can't even decide what I want to do for my undergraduate thesis.

Things are generally going well - I'm just feeling wholly overwhelmed with how
many things I have to do and the time I have to do it in. It's okay, I need to
relax and take things a day at a time...

The hardest thing about this job isn't the supervisors, their bizarre rules,
the boringness of doing the same thing over and over again, nor is it dealing
with difficult clients. It's my coworkers. On the whole, they are really nice
and really, really helpful. They just aren't very accepting. It's extremely
clique-y. That doesn't bother me either, because it isn't the first time I've
moved into a place and felt like the outsider (moving to Utah wasn't particularly
easy when it comes to acceptance), it's just that they actively try to make me
feel the part. It's so wierd. It's like high school all over again. It's not
like I actually care (I mean it) because I most likely would never spend time
with any of them outside of Ann Taylor anyway, ever, but it does make my spirits
damper a little more when I think of sitting at a desk for ten hours straight
with girls who actually try to ostrasize me. Yeah, I know it's probably in my
head and making it up...but it sure feels like it when they lable me a dork
because I don't read magazines or watch TV...but the truth is, great people are
always all over the place, so I just need to get to know these girls better.

It's good to feel fall coming - as much as I love and mourn over summer ending.
The air is a little crispier in the mornings, the trees on the mountains are
starting to speckle in those lovely warm fall colors...

The funniest thing about my new job is as soon as I walk out the doors, I forget
absolutely everything that happened. It's a queer kind of blessing. I really
don't do it intentionally - I just blank it all out. It's great. I also don't
allow myself to think about going back to work until the alarm goes off. I guess
it's my way to cope with an unpleasant ordeal. But you know what, it'll only
last till December. That's nothing - that's a blink of an eye.

Oh, and I read Garrison Keillor's second poem collection, "Good Poems for Hard
Times" and loved it. I loved his first one, "Good Poems" it was one of the few
poetry books I could read cover to cover. It was the same with this one to my
pleasure. This was one of my favs:

The Longly-Weds Know
by Leah Furnas

That it isn’t about the golden anniversary at all,
But about all the remarkable years
that Hallmark doesn’t even have a card for.

It’s about the 2nd anniversary when they were surprised
to find that they cared for each other more than last year.

And the 4th when both kids had chickenpox
and she threw her shoe at him for no reason.

And the 6th when he accidentally got drunk on the way
home from work because being a husband and father
was so damn hard.

It’s about the 11th and 12th and 13th years when
they discovered they could survive crisis.

And the 22nd anniversary when they looked
At each other across the empty nest, and found it good.

It’s about the 37th year when she finally
decided she could never change him.

And the 38th when he decided
A little change wasn’t that bad.

It’s about the 46th anniversary when they both
bought cards, and forgot to give them to each other.

But most of all it’s about the end of the 49th year
When they discovered you don’t have to be

old to have your 50th anniversary.

Did you like it? Trevor and I chuckled and read it twice. Especially about the
shoe part :).
I also got my hair cut. I've got some dramatic bangs, and a few more layers. I
loved it when I was at the salon, but today I'm a little nervous about it. But
it might be just because I'm a little nervous about everything...

flip-flop

2006-09-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this at work and hopefully will be able to place it on blogger later. There's a rule against websurfing, but I haven't seen anything to prevent it.
There is something seriously wrong with the Ann Taylor corporation. I went to buy a pair of pants at one of the stores, and when I went up to the counter to
buy them, the manager got all huffy with me for not identifying myself as an employee. She was actually mad. She wouldn't let me purchase anything until I had
emptied my dressing room. Wow. What a wierd-o. THEN, today. I'm at work, working away with customers, and I hear my name called out. A supervisor (whom I've
never met before) comes and asks with distinct irritation in her voice: "Are you wearing flip flops?" I obviously am, and everyone around me has been wearing
them all the last week, "You have to pay $1 fee to wear flip-flops. I'll let you slide today, but from now on you'll be subject to the $1 fee." What?!? My first
question was, who get that dollar? Seriously? The flip-flop police? Her? Does she store it up to pay for lunch once a month? I mean come on! The dress code here
is "casual" in an extreme way. I can't believe I'm working for a company who makes me pay to wear my favorite pair of shoes. That's just a load of crap.

Sorry, my dear blog friends, I just needed to vent that.

AND THEY CARRY REAL BUNNY FUR.

manatee me

2006-08-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading the NYTimes (taking advantage of Trevor's school) this article. There's a part in it that says:

"Florida manatees, a subspecies of the West Indian manatee, thrive in warm, shallow coastal waters and migrate when the temperature drops. They spend a great deal of time eating, with frequent naps between meals. They have a straightforward social life."

I thought - "Hey - that could describe me, too!" Ha ha. If only I could migrate to warmer waters when the temperature drops...

fast update

2006-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

You thought I'd disappeared, didn't you? Nope, not me. Just my internet connection has been severely cut. I don't have it at work or at home anymore, and since that's where I am usually...
My heart goes out to Emily and her stress! Oh my. I am so sorry, but it will pass, really! I'll keep you in my prayers...

I'm starting week 2 of my job training tomorrow. I really don't like it. But it has done some good things for me, like:
1. I've started working out everyday, because sitting in the same stupid seat staring at the same stupid table without moving has made me feel stir crazy, so I've been working out and already enjoying the benefits!
2. I'm feeling better about my spirituality.
3. I'm making a lot of money. I even allowed myself to buy an Anthropologie skirt (granted, it was less than 1/3 the original price, therefore making it like buying a pair of jeans.)

I'm concerned I won't be able to even do the job. I have so many things to memorize, and oh yeah, remember how I hate the phone? Ha ha. But this is only going to get me through fall semester, then onto something better, I hope. My work schedule is going to be 6 AM to 4:30 M/W/F/S. I am not a morning person. But, this is also good, because it forces me to be productive in my day. If I started my work day at say, 11 AM, I wouldn't get out of bed till 10:30. But this way I have to get up early and make the most of everything. Good thing. I'm a bum when it comes to sleep, one of my mottos is "happy to nap." Yes, indeed.
Trevor's parents are finally coming to see us. They're taking us out to dinner tomorrow, and I'm crossing my fingers its to Cafe Rio.
Trevor and I went school shopping yesterday to get him some non-holey jeans. In part of our shopping venture, we went to Barnes & Noble. I walked in, stood in the doorway for about 10 seconds, and had to about-face because I was bawlling. No good. Trevor didn't even get any warning. I just miss working at the Read Leaf that much. I better stop, getting teary-eyed thinking about it. We drove past it today while going to visit my parents for Sunday dinner, and wow, it's totally gutted. The walls are so bare! I can't really think about it...but I did send a nice long letter to Stacey and told her all about it and updated her on my life, so some of the connections and wonderful things that happened to me at the Read Leaf will always be alive somewhere.

Oh the New York Times. Oh the BBC. I want to read the news everyday, but I don't have the internet at all. NPR almost cuts it, but not all the way. In fact, I'm going to go there now and catch up...I'll blog again whenever I can!

Day 2

2006-08-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

Second day of training. It was really boring, with lots of proticol and lots of policies and junk. Some parts were fun, we got to make a poster.
My interesting observation:
I noticed while everyone was introducing themselves that one of the girls was also attending BYU. I thought I'd chat with her about it and she is trying to get into the business program. But the first thing she says to me is, "I hate the Honor Code, don't you?" I'm thinking, "Um, well, no, I never have to think about it because I live that way anyway..." She's swearing, talking about vulgar things, and then tells me she's waiting to hear back from the First Presidency if her past transgressions can keep her from a mission. I completely, 100% believe that people from all walks of life have a part in the gospel and if she wants to go on a mission, bully for her! I'm just thinking she's not really representing the gospel in its full light.
Then there are these three Goth girls, totally tattooed out, with died hair and proclaim their love of comic books. I love these kind of people. They are exactly who they are on the inside on the outside. There isn't any hypocrisy, as compared to the BYU chick above. I just think we should be whoever we want to be, and not hide it. I really appreciate people who are.

I get 50% off any Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor Loft or Ann Taylor Factory stores. That is a great deal, but when you think first of all that A.T. at half price is actually just a normal price, and also that I don't like pretty much all their clothing lines, I'm afraid my discount isn't going to benefit me too much. Not like the discount at the Read Leaf, which is gone now, which I'm no longer working at, *sniff* no no, can't think about that....

2006-08-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of the Read Leaf. I'm sorta numb...and not exactly sure if I should be acting differently or crying or what. I'm kind of not sure. I had a little cry this morning. But it's really surreal, and it doesn't feel like the store is actually closing, today.

power of reading

2006-08-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

I read this today online: "When I was a boy my mother and father were told I would never be able to learn how to read or write. The accidental discovery of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit may have been the moment which saved my life."
The power of books! Ah! I have this quiet, panicky feeling deep down leaving the bookstore. It's this wierd feeling like I'll never know about books again, which is silly. It's just that I've been introduced to so many books through working at the Read Leaf, and whole genres I would probably have never read. So many good books. So many new ideas. So many fun memories (the Harry Potter parties, Christmas time, Margy & Roger & Jack, concerts, just afternoons at the store...) Maybe I'm making a mistake by working in another industry when my heart is so fully into books. Umm...I'm not going to think about that right now. Right now summer is filling me with joy and sunshine and skooter rides. We fell asleep to the sound of crickets & the creek last night, which was so much more refreshing and relaxing than our usual, um, nocturnal neighborhood sounds (a la, Mexican soap operas blaring, the constant bump-thump of loud music from downstairs).* I think when Trevor and I actually settle down to live somewhere, it will not be urban. I'm thinking something like this...hee hee.

*Remind me to tell you sometime how we really think there is a brothel downstairs...no kidding.

?

2006-08-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Mystery...Trev & I are housesitting for my parents while they're at Lake Powell with the fam. Earlier in the evening, I lit some candles, but remember blowing them out. There's no question they were no longer lit when we went to bed, and Trevor can verify it. But in the middle of the night, Trevor got up and found one of the big ones lit. It is very puzzling. How did it light up again? Neither of us did it, and we know for sure it was not aflame when we retired for the evening....poltergeists? Straaange.

I just finished Robin McKinley's Hero and the Crown. *Sigh*. I'd never read it before, and decided it was time because it is one of Holly's favs. It was a good young adult read, a little slow, but it gathered momentum about 100 pages in. It's strange though, I didn't identify with the main character all that much. She was not interested in romance until the end. I don't think there was a time in my life I wasn't interested in romance. I kept thinking in my head "He loves you! Pay attention to him!" I was just a little disapointed in the ending. What about Luthe? I like Tor better! Dah! I really liked it, but now I am simply dying to read the sequel -- and I can't get it through the Read Leaf anymore! What a strange feeling...what am I going to do to fill this book void? Well, there's always the library........

Oh, and, I'm making soap tomorrow. I bought one of the Read Leaf's soapmaking books, and read it thoroughly. So tomorrow I'm venturing to make vanilla, oatmeal, and goat's milk bars of soap. You have to let it cure for a whole month - wow. I sure hope it goes well. There's a whole world of soap molds, which you probably didn't know about, and neither did I till a few days ago!

sad endings & new, scary beginnings

2006-08-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

This is the Read Leaf's last week. I still don't think I've quite realized what that means. I'm terribly sad it won't exsist anymore, it's such a magical, wonderful place. I hate leaving the book business. At the same time, I know Margy, Roger, Jack, Virlie & I are pretty ready for this closing process to be over. It's been stressful, with vulture customers and loads of people and lots of misplaced books. It's amazing how many good books we have left, but then when you think how the store only ever carried good books...
I just got the job offer from Ann Taylor, in fact, twenty minutes ago. I took it. I really thought about it, prayed, fasted, focused and thought about it. If I should look other places, take it, or take the job at Gardner Village. The thought of continuing to shove my resume in dozens of other manager's hands was enough to make my stomach cramp, and I realized that the Gardner Village job (while much more to my taste, and certainly more fun) just didn't offer me enough hours or, well, money. Looking at the positive side, I'll be learning new skills at the A.T. job, skills the Gardner Village job couldn't offer me. I feel good about this decision. I decided not to let my brain make the whole decision and made the choice that felt good in my heart. I guess you can't go wrong with that. It's how I decided to marry Trevor, and that's turned out to be an excellent decision :).
So this is scary. I have no idea if I'll like this job. I don't know if it's a good job. I do know that it seems interesting, sounds like fun, the people I've met have been very nice, and it will pay enough to cover our bills & allow Trevor to work only part time when school starts. That will make it worth it, even if it's hard, right? I know I'm a positive person and work hard, so I'm sure I'll be fine. But that doesn't mean I'm not nervous...

P.S.~ Roger took those pictures up above. Fun, huh? My mom's the lady next to "Finding Help," Stacey (one of the coolest girls in the world, worked here too but is on a mission in WALES!!!) is next to "Old Classics", and Johnny and Benny are next to "New Classics," they're the Chinese Cafe boys, and Jack's best friend is next to "Finding Happiness". Just in case you were curious.

random memory

2006-08-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

This picture was in the BBC pics of the day, showing the people cleaning the hunormous Buddha in the temple Todaiji in Nara, Japan. I've been there! The funniest thing part of that place is right behind the Buddha, there's a pillar with a hole carved out of the base, and they call it the Buddha' nostril. If you can squeeze through it, you'll have good luck. I knew my hips would never make it, but my smallish friend did it. The other funny thing about Japanese temples is that every one has a different stamp, with its own little stamping station. My journal is filled with funny Japanese temple-stamps.

2006-08-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

My poor husband just called to tell me that the apartment has exceeded in its stinkiness, and no amount of fan-age is helping. Poor stinky aparment, poor hubby.

I'm taking this online class over the summer, and I've been obismally bad at keeping up with it. It's so easy too. Only four online multiple choice assignments, and two exams whose questions draw solely from the assignment questions. I just...can't...do...it. I've never been a believer of summer homework. No way, Jose.

my government rant

2006-08-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

Do you know what really boils my blood? The way Native Americans are treated, and have been treated for centuries. Honestly, why isn't there a greater outcry against this? I wish kids in schools would learn just as much about the Native Americans in their American History classes as the founding fathers? It just makes me sad, and this article just brought it up in my mind again.

AND -- why hasn't there been a law passed against discriminating against those who will not work on Sundays? I told my potential employers I don't work on Sundays for religious reasons, and they didn't really accept that. They said, "Well, if the company needs you on a Sunday, then we need you." Why isn't there something against that? If we can't say "under God" in the pledge of allegiance, you'd think there was enough religious awareness and sensitivity to stop job discrimination like that. It seems illegal to me.

mint green

2006-08-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

The job hunting is starting to look less bleak. I had my third interview today with Ann Taylor, at 7 AM. I am so tired! My first interview with them left me downhearted, bummed and thoroughly discouraged, due mostly to the entirely uninspiring interior decoration of the office. I don't know who thinks no light and gray walls would inspire anything but utter ennui. The second was just yesterday morning, and it was a whole lot better because of:
A. The actual Ann Taylor department in the huge building is quite different from the interviewing area and is actually really friendly, with lots windows, lots of chatty women, and big decorations.
B. The interviewer was a lot of fun, and really nice. She could potentially be my supervisor, which I wouldn't mind too much, she was perky and ultra nice.
C. They give you free Ann Taylor clothes. As far as expensive retail clothes go, I'm an Anthropologie girl to the core,* but free clothes are free clothes!
D. I'd make $9 an hour, and work somewhere around 11 hours a day *siiiiiigh*.

So all in all, it wouldn't be that bad. The girl who interviewed me today asked some really fun questions, like "What are the three items every woman should have in her wardrobe?" (I answered a scarf, a black dress, and a favorite pair of shoes) and "A client needs a dress for her daughter's wedding, and is trusting you to recommend one to her. Which, out of these outfits, would you pick?" I was all over that one, and said I'd have to ask her lots of questions about the wedding first, like what kind it was, what part she would play, the colors and so forth. I guess I answered correctly because she was pretty thrilled with me. See, my addiction to the NYTimes fashion & style section has paid off, in some small way.
They have a wardrobing room, and I felt like "The Devil Wears Prada", which I still have not seen, but read the book. It was filled with all their new fall clothes. It was pretty fun, although the clothes seemed a little, well, too old for me.
Speaking of clothes, holy smokes. My mom and I went out on the town yesterday, and stopped by a vintage clothing store called Decades. Whoa baby! You know how so many thrift & vintage clothing stores have maybe a couple of gems among a lot of hashed and gross stuff? Not here! Whoever found these clothes had great taste. There were so many fun things, from the 1940s - 1980s. Awesome. My mom and I just about had a fit with all the cool old things. They don't make clothes like they used to, and we never make our own clothes anymore. I really want to learn, but I'm realizing how expensive new hobbies are. Over the years I picked up calligraphy, photography, card/stationary stuff, painting, wood prints, and a host of other things, but I don't have the money anymore to start off new hobbies. Whoa sidetrack. Anyway, my mom was feeling generous (she often does) and bought me some super cool clothes from the store, a blue/green sweater with beautiful beadery around the fringes, a mint green, knee-length, very Audrey Hepburn overcoat with four huge cloth-covered buttons, and....an original gunny sack. Couldn't help myself. It was too hippy, too John Denver, too buttercup not to buy. I can't wait to wear it to church. I'll be making new friends left and right, ha ha.
So that's about it. That and our garbage disposal doesn't work, and we put in a work order to have it fixed, but to no avail. Now, man alive, I can't walk into the apartment with gagging a little. It stinks. My car still stinks from the rain. Everything I have is sort of smelly right now. Ew. Ew ew ew. Oh well.

Storm!

2006-08-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Freaky storms yesterday! Holy smokes! I was taking Trevor to work, and he wanted to bike home so we had to put the bike in the back seat of my convertible with the top down. When we left the apartment, it was cloudy but not raining, and besides, his work is only 10 minutes from home and two exits south on the freeway. About three hundred feet before the exit, the clouds burst. It looked like someone was throwing buckets of water around. I freaked out in a way I didn't know I could. I couldn't see farther than two feet in front of the car and my glasses were all foggy, and for heaven's sake, we were soaking wet because the roof was down! I was angry at Trevor for making me take the bike when I said I would pick him up, and screaming (I do NOT do well in bad road conditions). Wow. It's funny now, but then it surely was not. I pulled over to the side of the freeway, threw the dang bike out, and put the top of the car back on, and cried a little.
It cleared up a little about 15 minutes later, and I took him the rest of the way to work. Not a very fun morning. I'm sure we made everyone else laugh on the freeway passing us though - "Look at those losers with the top down!!!"
So today the car stinks pretty badly, and I don't know if the back seats will ever recover. I wish I had money to have it detailed. I love my car, it's my dream car and prize it as my number one possession, so it was quite a learning and humbling experience realizing how temporal it is and how little it would take to ruin it. But I'm still so sad over the damage. My poor 'Bring. Trevor knows how I feel about my car too, and was really afraid of my wrath over its being damaged.

just another wedding photo

2006-07-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

Can't help myself.

concert!

2006-07-31T16:04:00.000-07:00

We're going to an outdoor Celtic concert tonight. It's exactly what I need right now, just to chill and hang out with my hubby :). It wouldn't be a complete summer for me if I didn't go to an outdoor concert. Last summer I went to three, ooo one of which was Collective Soul, a concert I'm still raving about. I just wish Alanis would come to Utah again - it's been so long! I don't know how this concert tonight will be, it's free and at an odd venue, but I'm so excited for it anyway. I love Celtic music, I think it comes second only to jazz in my categories of favorite music. Plus, Celtic music is what initially brought Trevor & I together, we met at a ceiligh (a fancy Gaelic name for a dance, we're such dorks).

We had a few more vulture customers today *sigh*. But no one's been unpleasant, which I appreciate no end.

la la la

2006-07-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

Mystery: Why do people turn on their televisions, consign them to mute, and leave them on for long periods of time? No one's really watching it or *obviously* listening. I also don't really understand why people turn on T.V.s just to have some "background noise." Who wants background noise? Why not put on a CD, or even better, NPR?* It's like Alanis says, why are you petrified by silence?

*I've started to convert Trevor to NPR. I've gotten in the car twice after he has driven it to find the station set to it. Yes!!!

Trevor overeats. He's already chunky, and he's only 22, so naturally I'm concerned of his health over the years and far into the future. I've tried to root out where this overeating comes from, and part of it is his family's eating habits. I know I come from a family of bird eaters, as Holly has told me, who eat very little and eat food like fruit and soups. We don't eat a lot of meat in my family, and I don't really have a taste for it. Trevor's family is so opposite. I have never been to his family dinners without steaks & potatoes. I feel bad when I don't eat very much of his mother's cooking, but I just can't stomach a lot of meat...Anyway, I tried to get him to slow down, and only eat till he's full, but I realized I don't think he ever feels full. So I don't know what to do. I don't want to cross this line that makes me a nagging, overcontrolling wife, but I am truly concerned about his health! What to do?

The Read Leaf is slimming itself down too, on the ultimate liquidation diet :). Funny customers, some stressful situations, and such a roller coaster of emotions for closing the store. I still don't think it's hit me yet for real. There really will be a void in my life when this is all over.

I had my first inkling of excitement for my last semester of college. This rarely happens, I usually dread school. I think it was just thinking of diving headlong into my thesis. I'm only taking 12 credits, so it will be a good semester. And, it just occured to me, my first semester of college was also only 12 credits. What a nice rounded way to finish up. Then onto.....? Master's Degree? Corporate world? Motherhood? I still feel pretty full of possibilities. How lucky I am to have so many choices. I can never feel ungrateful in my options again after reading The Bookseller of Kabul.

So those are just a few buzzing thoughts today.

applying myself to no avail

2006-07-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

So far I'm averaging 3 job applications per day. There are only two I am remotely excited about, but I won't even write about them because I don't want to like them even more.

On Wednesday evening, I was working at the Read Leaf when I received a very unexpected call from my new sister-in-law, Alanna. She needed a babysitter, their bagpipe band called a rehearsal she wasn't prepared for. In my newly married anxiety to please my new family-in-law, I even ask for work early to do it for her (I hate asking to leave work early, I feel like a cheap skate or something). So after a long drive and a few sacrifices on my end, I finally make it to my apartment just in time for them to drop off Cora, my nearly two-year-old niece. I love children, and was extremely excited to be able to serve Ian & Alanna in a capacity I knew I could do. At least, thought I could do.
They didn't walk with her into my apartment, which I think was the problem, and that she didn't know me hardly at all. Anyway, we're doing swell, I read her some Dr. Seuss, we smile and laugh and play for a while, and I take her to the pool. We had a marvelous time, floating around while the pool's omnipresent Italian trio looked on.* But the second it got dark, Cora started chanting "Stars...dark...Mama!" It progressed from a mantra to a shrieking horror, and once inside the apartment again, she sat by the door and kicked it and screamed and spit and screamed louder. It was like having a live viper in my entryway. I'm usually pretty good with little ones, but every strategy I had just made her scream louder. I'm having panicky feelings imaginging Ian & Alanna walking in and seeing their darling girl having a Jack-Jack Attack in my apartment. I want them to like me so much! Right then, Trevor calls. Of course he has to check up on me at the absolute worse moment. He starts getting nervous because he can hear Cora shrieking in the background, but I'm not mentioning it. He asked, "Um, honey? Is that...Cora? In the background?" Me: "Uh, yeah. She's having a fit in our living room. She won't let me even get close without spitting and kicking. I'm starting not to like her." He suggested I take her back to the pool, which I do, and she calmed down, sort of. She just wouldn't look at me now. Trevor made an alarmed phone call to his brother telling him to pick up his brat, and they find me at the pool. I wish Trevor hadn't called them, because I wasn't going to tell them about the episode.
I know she was just scared in a foriegn environment & with a person she didn't know - but that occurance in conjunction with my job searching have really brought me to a low. Watching Cora was something I thought I could do well. I'm applying to jobs I really think I could do well in. *Sigh*. I'm just going to go home and let Trevor hug me.

*There are three Italian men, probably in their late twenties, (whom I would have tried to flirt with mercilessly if I were still single, I'm sure) who hang out at the pool all the time, all the time.

a small victory

2006-07-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

Yay for Germany!

speaking of relative happiness...

2006-07-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

HOW THE NATIONS RANKED ON HAPPINESS
1st - Denmark
2nd - Switzerland
3rd - Austria
4th - Iceland
5th - The Bahamas
23rd - USA
41st - UK
90th - Japan
178th - Burundi

at heart

2006-07-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm stuck. I have to have a job. My core self and all my personality cry that I should not spend any second of my life doing something I don't care about. It's not worth it. I have a lot of passion and lots of convictions. Life is short and must be well spent, so why should I work somewhere without a soul and good goal in mind? Oh yeah, for money...Then there's the quote about the happiest person is happy whatever they're doing. So what to do? I guess doing some well paying but soul-less job could bring good fruits...dah!

Two really cool people in my life are getting their Master's Degrees in Library Science. Maybe I should too. I've actually been looking at it - it could present the best of what I love, working with books in a place with good goals at heart.

2006-07-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

Can I just say there is a severe lack of bottom-level, person-to-person respect in this world? Goll-y. If there happens to be a local bookstore in your area liquidating their entire inventory, would you be sure to be kind and normal to them? Thanks.

I hate job hunting. I hate it hate it hate it. Just full of good vibes today, aren't I? I'm sorry.........

The party was swell. We played the park bench game and wrote postmodern poetry. Great stuff.

the blog-o-sphere

2006-07-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

One of the quirks of the blog-o-sphere that made me laugh. I've been reading Tracy's blog for months now, and have enjoyed reading about her little Eric, Jeffrey & Abby and her life in California. I think I got on it from Mormon Mommy Wars or Emily's blog, I can't remember, and I wondered why Tracy never seemed to read my blog when I read hers so often, but - silly me - I realized I never had commented on her blog, so how could she even know I'm reading it? I was starting to feel snubbed, there has to be some sort of study concerning how the web is replacing interpersonal contact I am supporting by feeling that way. Anyway, I finally commented and she welcomed me, and I thought it was so funny that I could know so much about someone I've never met & doesn't know me. It sort of makes me feel like a loser, actually.

The Read Leaf looks really different to me today. I worked on Saturday, but haven't worked again till today, and so many books are gone! I've had another good cry about it closing, and I'm hoping I'll be able to master my emotions a bit better. It really is helping to see customers sad about it too, because then it forces me to be the optimistic one and point out the good aspects of the change. Oof, and someone just brought in a severely stinky baby.
Speaking of babies, now that I'm married, it's strange to think I could potentially have one. Trev & I are not planning on having one for a while (how could we possibly afford one right now?) but I've been a bit baby-hungry my whole life. But what has surprised me is how much Trevor is. At church he looks at all the babies and coos and wants to hold them, and whispers to me "I want one!" or "He could be ours - look at those blue eyes!" He's always thinking of new baby names he likes (I'd list them here, but I'm afraid you'd all realize what nerds we are in our name-picking). It's a side I didn't see in Trevor before we were married, and I'm loving seeing afterward! It's so endearing! He'll be a good pop.
Now for the thank-you card writing *sigh*. I always hate after-math projects (dishes after making a meal, the write-up after you write a paper, etc.). But I am grateful for everything and all the kindness and love I felt throughout the wedding process, so I really want everyone to know that I recognize and have appreciated it.
The first official party that Trevor & I will throw as a married couple in our new apartment is on Thursday. It's funny because I'm realizing we don't have anywhere to sit. My parent's house is ideal for parties, so I threw a lot of them, and I'm trying to be creative in my thinking for this party, and realizing even though we don't have room for everyone or even chairs, we now have a pool and a jacuzzi at our disposal. I'm excited for it, and it's a totally new experience having a space completely my own.
Oh - and I'm reading an excellent book, Spice; a History of a Temptation by Jack Turner. I am loving it!
Wow I'm a babbler today, forgive me!

wierd...

2006-07-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

I read this in the NYTimes today, in an article about politicians' seeming increase in physical contact with the public and fellow politicians:

"In Moscow this month, President Vladimir V. Putin greeted a 5-year-old boy at the Kremlin, lifted his shirt and kissed his belly. Mr. Putin later explained the gesture as a spontaneous act of affection.

“He seemed very independent and serious,” Mr. Putin said at a news conference. “I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten.”

Okay, is that more than just a little freaky to anyone else? In my imagination, Russia is this distant, strange, freezing and haunted country, and this to me seems to fall into the "strange" category...I'm not saying I wouldn't like to travel there someday (I wouldn't say that about pretty much anywhere) but it's not on my top 10, or even 15 list.* Right now, I want to head to Spain.

*Although, I have a dear friend from Russia, who even called me on my wedding day from Helsinki to congratulate me!

pup

2006-07-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

Here's the new puppy (& me). He really does have a little heart-shaped nose! So what should we name him? The names on the table, in order of popularity among the family circle:
1. Mr. Darcy (problem - Darcy for short, which is a girl's name, right?)
2. Pongo (just to augment the ridiculous Disney obsession in our home)
3. Alan (what?!)
What's your vote? (I'm with Pongo, because he actually looks like the movie-dog!)

Some wedding photos!

2006-07-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

I don't have the CDs with all the wedding photographs yet, but Justin (the amazing photographer) put a few on his website. Here are my favorites from that little smattering!

This is the mirror, the amazing mirror, Trevor made!

yay!

2006-07-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

Emily had her baby boy! Yay!!! And he's a CUTIE! He looks more like Emily did when she was born, if you ask me. All that dark hair! He's so handsome! What a relief...Now she never has to go back to her job and awful commute, and on to new and exciting adventures in motherhood and in Philedelphia. Congrats Em & Renn! So excited for you, and Oliver!

The Read Leaf got some press attention at the Trib & Deseret News. It's sort of strange to read a newspaper article about something I'm so connected to.

I find out tomorrow about the museum job. I'm feeling actually rather positive about it. If I do, in some strange turn of luck, get the job offer, I think I'll take it.

The new puppy is SO cute. Just an adorable dog. Very different from our previous lovable, dumb labradors. This dalmation is smart, and I seriously think he has some pride. He was digging at a spot in the carpet, and when he realized we were all laughing at him, he quit and walked away, like "I wasn't doing that..." We'll see how he fits in the household.

2006-07-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

Just got a call from the Art Museum - the one job, the Art Outreach Educator I did not get. Relief. Now for the second one...we'll see.

open

2006-07-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

There was an old English bloke in Liverpool who collected a vast amount of antiques throughout his life. All British antiques, spanning the early 1800s to the 1920s & 30s, mostly furniture with some odds & ends thrown in, like pipe organs or old-time coin games. He had warehouses of it. He refused to sell any of it, but had it all well documented and stored. Sadly in his later years he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and eventually succumbed to it. An antiques dealer in Salt Lake had been trying for years to buy his collection off him, and finally, in an act of perhaps manipulation, he took advantage of his Alzheimer's and bought his entire collection and had it shipped to Salt Lake.
Trevor & I stumbled upon it out of curiousity and a wish to break from our annoying errands (new driver's lisences, changing my social security, returning gifts to Walmart, Target, TJMax, stopping to get some job applications and grocery shopping) and were completely in awe of it. A huge warehouse full to the brim with really interesting antiques. We spent a few hours wandering the aisles, opening all the airmoirs, tables, desks, chest of drawers, little boxes, jewelry boxes, book cases, anything. Unlike most antique shops, who clean out their items of loose objects, there were treasures in almost anything we looked into. Old, old, old photographs of weddings from probably the turn of the century, beads, buttons, letters, math notes written with a fountain pen, photographs, newspapers, Bibles, necklaces, anything. All of it was so interesting, like finding small clues to other people's lives from years past. I wish the objects could speak! It was Euro Treasures, right off the 6th South exit. So hey, next time you're in Salt Lake and want a jolt from the past, stop in and open some drawers.

The Read Leaf sale is still going well. Although I did have dreams all night last night where I was ringing up the same woman with the same insurmountable pile of books over and over and over again...Still so many voluntary re-shelving by our customers, finding books in the oddest places.

Our first official party at our new apartment occurs (hopefully) on the 27th of this month with the old writing club gang. I'm so excited! I want it to look just perfectly bohemian (but clean, of course) for them. Trev was supposed to gather the tools for an art project we are working on today, let's see if he does. He was supposed to get the largest painting canvas he could possibly find. I do not have the time or the rabbit's hide glue to make a canvas, but I am bringing all my oil paints and painting necessities. Trev & I have sort of butted heads when it comes to "home decor." I'm almost willing to let him win this battle over the colors we shall paint the canvas, because I know I've pushed him rather far with electric orange pillows, a bright orange rug and a glass Buddha head. I've also pretty much claimed all the bookshelf space as mine. So I guess I'll have to give in this time, I think he'll want more blues, and I would choose reds.

I'm hoping I don't get either the museum jobs. I know, you weren't expecting me to say that. The thing is, if I get offered one of the jobs, I couldn't possibly say no, it would be such a good work experience and resume-building. But I was hoping to start off somewhere completely new, and really make a new image of myself. I've been involved with the art museum on so many levels and for so long I have an established a reputation - a reputation as Springville's Art Queen and the "Look - I've brought you brownies" Shelley, not a married, well-travelled and soon to be college-graduate Shelley. I also don't really care to commute if at all possible. I know all the interns and the museum employees all commute from Salt Lake, except the older generation of employees & curators. So I wouldn't be the only one late if there was an early morning traffic jam. I'm also sad to leave the book business. I've known all along I'd rather work with books than at a museum. So let's hope next Tuesday comes around with two new voice mails on my cell, someone from the art museum with a professional front saying apologetically, "Thank you for your interest in the art museum, but I'm sorry to tell you that the position of Outreach Educator/Stewart Fellowship was filled." Please please please. I guess I could also just say no. Ooo but that would be hard. "Here's a museum job - one of the very few higher-than-minimum-wage jobs you are in anyway qualified for." I bet I won't get offered and all my suffering will be over. I'll keep you posted.

Wow

2006-07-12T16:09:00.000-07:00

This is a great article - talk about the widow's mite.

2006-07-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

Everybody's coming in the store and expressing to me how depressed they are and how sad it is the store is closing. Not that I don't think it's sad, but I've just sort of resorted to a reply like "Yeah, it is sad, but it's good to have new beginnings." I get annoyed with customers who say remorseful things like "Did the big guys push you out?" or "Was it just too hard to stay alive with big businesses?" a la the Shop Around the Corner in "You've Got Mail". For some reason I find this insulting. First of all, that they conclude that would be the only reason a small store would close, and also because I often see a perverbial Walmart reciept falling out of their purse, so how sincere can they be? I know, it shouldn't bug me so much. But I don't really care today - I can be catty in my blog since I wouldn't dream of being catty to a customer or a real person. Oh the small joys of not having a face in the world wide web - where my catty self can be expressed, for better or worse.
It's getting harder and harder to recommend books to customers because our favorite books are walking out the door by the minute. It's sort of exciting, because it means things are moving forward, but it's sad too! It's that same feeling when you see your empty house before you move to a different home in a different state - sad, but exciting too. I think I've moved past my depressed, super-sadness about the Read Leaf closing, and now I'm getting excited for the changes in my life and in Margy & Roger's. I am sad for Springville and the community though, and I am sad that in some way the big coorporations have won a small battle on our home turf.

I unintentionally gave Trevor a laugh this morning. My interview with the Art Museum jobs was today, and I wanted to look nice, because aesthetics are rather important for an art establishment. I wanted to express personality and look somewhat professional but personable. Impossible task. Anyway, after multiple unsuccessful outfit tries, I shouted aloud from the bathroom, "I'm fat! That's the real problem here!" All I heard was racous laughter from upstairs...at least someone thought it was funny. Eventually I was laughing too, and went in what I was wearing, realizing how silly I was being. There's a joy of being married I previously didn't have when I was single - someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I'm wearing or how fat I feel.

And question to put out to the world - why do some people's personal answering machine messages repeat the number you have just dialed? "Hello, you've reached 787-8888. Leave a message at the tone." Well yeah, didn't I just type that number in? I know that -- who did I dial? Is it a person or machine? It's just funny and wierd to me.

The interview went well. I was nervous. It's all over.

2006-07-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

This is the laughable book description I read today while filling out a special order:

"This priceless and inexhaustible resource is the ultimate synthesis of science, philosophy and truth, of reason, wisdom and faith, and of past, present and future. This book comes in either red or blue."

What doesn't it span?

We're happily living in our apartment. If only we had a shower curtain. We were given one, a beautiful green one, but we realized it was a curtain to cover a plastic curtain, which we don't have. Baths have been the order of the day.

I made my premier first-class dinner today. It's heating up in our new slow-cooker at home, perfectly timed to be done when I get home from work today. I feel so domestic. It was fun shopping for the ingredients and making the meal. I hope Trevor likes it.

Wow, the Read Leaf is going fast. Hordes of customers! It's great to be so busy, but man alive! Only one has annoyed me today - and she severely annoyed me. I'm usually extremely patient with our more senior customers, but this lady wasn't all that past the senior-line and was really testing my patience.

2006-07-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

I suppose this is proof one can adapt to anything! This is a nest made out of wires from a steel plant.

what a ride!

2006-07-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

We've moved out! Yeehah! It's the cutest little apartment you ever did see. We look really artsy in it, with his art desk and our books...it's pretty super great. It's so tiny I wondered how on earth we'd fit all our wedding gifts in, but somehow we did. I'm exhausted from moving, and I pulled an unforgiving muscle in my back. I did not want to get up this morning. Trevor got to sleep in till noon, lucky duck.
We have a humongous pile of uneeded and/or unwanted wedding gifts to try to return *sigh*. Man, and so many of the gifts were from Walmart! I haven't returned those yet, because I hate Walmart. I should have put that on the invitations, "The couple is registered at Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware and Target, but beware all Walmart gifts would be utterly detested."
Not everything's out of boxes yet in our little home, as can be expected, but we had a lot of fun moving. My family helped out a whole lot, and Roger leant us his trailer. Andy was so enamored with the apartment and how fun it must be to live out on your own with only two people, I practically thought he was going to move in with us right then and there, but I think it was only because we had a toaster oven.
It's so much fun having my own space, totally my own. Trevor's too, of course, but the things are our's, not our parents, to do with as we please. It was a blast organizing the kitchen, it satisfied me greatly to place everything where I thought they should belong. There was one area of the apartment Trevor really didn't have a whole lot of say in, although I did double-check with him if he liked what I was doing and where he wanted the silverware drawer.
While searching for a Target last night to buy groceries (which we only had time to buy three things because they close at 10 PM) I remarked to Trev that we should spend some time searching for the cozy heart of Murray, the main street of sorts, the part with personality. I realized there may not be one. It's an arm of Salt Lake, so I suppose the heart of it lies in Salt Lake, which does have some fun little places, like the King's English and C.G. Sparks, and Anothony's Antiques.
The inlaws have baffled me once again. We decided we'd split Sundays in half between our families, one Sunday at his and one at mine, since Sundays are important to both sides. I told Trev we should start this Sunday at his folk's because we just spent all week with mine, and are going to see Pirates of the Carribbean with them tonight,* and he said, "Sure - just let me call them and make sure it's okay." Is that kind of odd to anyone else? My parents wouldn't know what to do if we called ahead of time, they may be even offended that we'd be so formal with them. Anyway, he called his dad and asked if we could come and visit & maybe stay on to dinner, and he replied, "I don't know - you better call your mother." Then I remembered the one time I drove up to Bountiful to surprise Trevor with an unexpected visit, which he loved, but I guess it really rubbed his parent's the wrong way. It's just so weird to think of scheduling a Sunday dinner with family. We just walk into my house. Different people, different ideas I guess.

After two weeks of wedded bliss, I can say I'm still the happiest I've ever been. The only frustration I've had with Trevor is his ardent need to play. I understand this isn't wasting time in his mind, but in my mind it is. I have a hard time with it. In my mind there's a distinct separation between work-time and play-time, and if your work isn't done you don't play. But he'll play volleyball, the drums, the guitar, soccer, anything at any time if he can. I have sorta discussed it with him when I was angry with him for playing volleyball while I was setting up a screen in the backyard, but it didn't really go anywhere. I'm afraid to say anything in concrete terms because he takes everything I say so personally -- and extremely. If I mentioned it to him he respond with something like "Okay - I won't play at all anymore," which is a terribly immature response, but he'd actualy carry through with it too........I'm just learning about this species of "husband", trying to figure things out and how to live with him.

I finally saw "Sunset Boulevard." Wow - what a great show! I loved the script and I loved the plot. It was so cool & creepy. Whenever I watch films from that era I get frustrated with the lack of colorful scripts in our modern movies. Honestly, the dialogue in "The Breakup" is nothing compared to Cary Grant's "My Favorite Wife", or any chick flick from the forties and fifties. Very few comedic movies are made with true wit these days, and definitely lack great lines, if you ask me.

I got a call from the Art Museum requesting an interview with me next Wednesday. Whoa! I doubt I'll get the job for a few reasons, but I'll definitely interview for it! I made my first commute from our apartment to Springville. This is going to be somewhat of a pain...although I heartily enjoyed the full fifty minutes with NPR. It's just gas, gas, gas...If I had more of a scientific mind, I would dedicate my career to figuring out a new enegery source or new engine. It's so frustrating, we're still using the same basic design we used 100 years ago. What other technology has really remained since then, except for this daily contraption? I know it's because of money. There's simply no money in research for alternative energy, because there is so much money in oil. I've read so many articles about this in the National Geographic, the Times, in biology journals...we're so on the brink of something new! I don't know what my part in helping could possibly be...I try my very best to be eco-friendly - but I seemingly cannot help my gas dependency.

Today is Payson's annual Scottish Festival, and I'm broken hearted I can't go with my mom this year. We have loved it in years past. Bagpipes, Scottish & local artisans with Celtic kitsch, dancing, hair weaving, kilts...It's so fun. I couldn't go this year, so my mom is out there alone! How tragic! I called her & she was so sad not to have me there....

The Read Leaf's sale is going very well. I am getting really tired of explaning why we're closing to customers. In fact I've said the same stuff so often today I'm mixing up my words, "It's going to be tames and goys and some books." I've had two customers come in tears about our leaving, there have been more I haven't been around to see too. It's sort of releasing, like someone else is feeling the emotions for me, like there is a communal mourning for the loss, it somehow eleviates my emotions. That probably makes no sense to anyone other than myself.

I read an article today on how rigorous it is to be a travel guide writer. I think if I weren't married I would have done it after graduation. Maybe I still will, there's nothing in life that says once you are married you must be practical. Writing and travel and rigorous, scary adventures - yes!

Anyway, guess I had a lot of everyday thoughts today. Makes up for my utter lack in blogging in past weeks.

*Holy excitement Batman!

: (

2006-07-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've been depressed since we've been home from the honeymoon. I'm hoping this is normal, and not a bad sign...I talked to my mom last night about it and she said this was pretty typical. Trevor can't stand it.

2006-07-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Whew! I'm back! So much to blog about!

The wedding day & reception was exactly what I always hoped it would be. The marriage ceremony was beautiful and meaningful, and even funny at times. Trevor's family was very kind and in good moods and loving towards me. My family was wonderful too, my brothers being as hilarious as they always are and Daina had a lot of fun at the reception. The reception was absolutely perfect. The dancing, food, guests, everything! I loved not having a line, it made it a party and not a reception, which is exactly what I wanted. I got to dance with Trevor a lot. My hair turned out great, my dress and everything.
The mysterious wedding gift was a mirror. An incredible, beautiful mirror. Trevor carved, cut, glued, made it by hand. He endowed it with so many layers of meaning that only we would get, like the carving design based on a design in our favorite fairy tale, "East of the Sun & West of the Moon," and he personally etched an inscription on the bottom. He said some things to me too that meant the world to me. I love that mirror. Love it. It was probably my favorite part of the day. I cried. I also loved swinging to Glen Miller's "In the Mood" with Trev.
Honeymoon was also magical. Las Vegas was, well, Vegas, loud, crowded and smoky, but our room in the Bellagio was incredible and we had some fun in the pool and at the fountain. Disneyland was fun too - we wore these silly bride & groom hats as a joke, but we decided to wear them the whole time when we realized what special treatment we got wearing them. We got our own boats on rides, got to ride rides twice in a row, people gave us the front seat, etc. It was great! Then we spent a day at the Getty Museum in L.A., which was cool. We spent some time with the art and then some time on the grass. Then, my very favorite part of the whole honeymoon, we went to Catalina Island. SO much fun! We swam, walked around, enjoyed the architecture....we didn't want to come home!
I think it's hard for Trevor to be back, because now he doesn't have my attention 100% all day anymore. It's hard for me too, so I'm anxious to move into our apartment. It's amazing how I feel sort of odd in my own home now because I'm married. Not odd per se, but unsure how to handle this new need for privacy. Huh.
We opened our wedding presents today. Soem fun gifts: cool fish bookends from Em, a set of bowls from a BYU friend, and a rice cooker. At least those are the ones that popped up first right now in my head. Had a few, well, wierd presents too. Like a clearly used and somewhat dirty casserole dish, and a strange crystal wall hanging...hmm. What to do with that odd stuff. Wish people would have given gift reciepts with everything...OH! and some very well-intentioned people gave us a Walmart gift certificate. Clearly they did not know me very well. Humbug. We got a printer too, and candles, and loads of bowls...like 18 bowls.
Very happy. I am extremely happy.

barefoot through the years

2006-06-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes all things collide in your life at the same time? Yes, well. I got an e-mail yesterday from the Assistant Curator, Natalie, at the Springville Museum of Art, whom I worked with as an intern there (anyone remember when I was an intern there and all those funny stories?) about two job openings there. A job opening at an art museum is about as frequent as an encounter with a naked mole rat.
The two jobs are an Outreach Art Educator involving working with schools and the arts, and the second is the Stewart Fellowship, which sounded a little more engimatic, but I'm pretty sure it's just working at the museum. Both pay well, and would be absolutely terrific for me if I could get it. I have all the creditials except I'm not yet technically graduated with my degree. I only have three more classes left! I'm so almost done! Anyway, both the deadlines for the applications are due while I'm honeymooning, which meant I had to complete both last night, which didn't happen till 3 AM. The letters of intent sounded brilliant then, but I'm afraid to read them now. I've already turned one application in and the other I will drop off at the museum after work. I'd rather do the Education Outreach one, it sounds more compelling, but it pays $80 less a month, which a young married couple desperately needs. But if by some twist of strange fate I had both job offered to me, I'd have to go for the education one, I'd be better at it.
I'm trying not to get too excited thinking about being hired - because seriously - how often do jobs open in my field? Plus I'm not graduated yet. That could really be a hang-up. But I can almost guarantee you no other applicant has as much experience with that particular museum and that particular staff than I. Junior Art Guild, Art City Queen, 2 Children's Art Festivals, hours of service, Art Ball, staining all the tiles in the basement, etc. So maybe that will compensate. Wouldn't it be great to have a salary-based job coming home from the honeymoon?
Both to the satisfaction and security of myself and Margy & Roger, I will stay with the Read Leaf till the very end. It will involve commuting 1/2 hour each way, but if I can help Margy & Roger by doing that, then by all means I'll do it.

The wedding is now only TWO days away. Life is going quickly but slowly. Slowly because I'm really fuzzy-brained and tired, in fact, exhausted, and fast because I'm making decisions left and right. OH - and I got someone to actually do my hair!!! The lady I wanted to have do it originally. I had to coax her, saying it would be a really simple do - just a simple, low bun. It took a lot of pressure off me, and now I don't have to drive to Salt Lake by myself at 7 AM on the wedding day. *Phew*.
Sarah's down to help. I remember how I love her like a sister, but how we can get annoyed by each other sometimes. She was annoyed with my snobbishness towards Walmart, I annoyed with her patrinizing and constantly saying "Well, for MY wedding, we did this and this..." What can I say, she is as close to a sister you can be without blood relations.

I've been complaining about 3 hours of sleep last night and only 4 the night before, but Trevor didn't sleep at all last night. Doing what, you might ask? Working on this mysterious wedding gift. I really have no idea what it is. I'm pretty sure it's something out of wood, because it has involved carving and "chemicals." I've been telling him it's more important to me to have a husband with vital signs than a finished wedding gift.

It's solstice today. I'm exactly 21 and a half. I love summer solstice. Holly & I have celebrated it together for the last three years. The first year we had a pseudo-pagan ritual involving burning herbs and plants representing the bad habits we hope to shed before the next solstice. We've danced, played and spent hours outside. Last year was somewhat the same, but less elaborate. This year, well, she's coming over to my house, but we won't have any time together (because she'll have two lady guests from out of town) to do anything solstice-ish. I'm so sad about that. I don't know if Holly knows how important it has been to me. It's such a renewing day for me, enjoying nature to the extent I can & thinking about things in my nature I should scrub off. I also like it because it's exactly six months away from my birthday, giving it cosmic balance somehow. So Happy Solstice, everyone! Watch the sunset, walk barefoot through the grass, or smell the earth or something. Solstice is something I plan to celebrate with my children someday, it can be our own family holiday. I don't think I've ever discussed that with Trevor, I probably should.

Do you ever miss reading books for the first time? I miss reading I Capture the Castle for the first time. I adored that book. There's some solstice magic in that.

I find it hard to breath in my dress when it's all laced up. It's not unbearable, but certainly uncomfortable. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara being cinched in, only I'm not used to it -- at all. Wouldn't it be horrible if I fainted on my wedding day?!

I'm really excited to see so many people I care about at the reception from all stages of my life. How often does that happen? And how often to you get to throw a party where all your friends want to come? Not just your single friends, your married friends, new friends, old friends, no, it's everybody! I'm excited to see reactions to the backyard, the candy bar, my dress, my hubby...it's going to be fun. But, really, what I'm most excited for is undoubtedly...the honeymoon! I get Trevor all to myself for a whole 7 days. No parents or in-laws, and no curfews. YES!

focus!

2006-06-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better today. My ear finally popped, and my nose isn't Niagara Falls anymore! Hooray for that! I got some last-minute shopping done this morning that felt great to check off - a bra to wear with my wedding dress, new sandals for the honeymoon, dropping off my favorite blue dress to the dry cleaners (also to take on the honeymoon), bank deposit, and made an appointment for myself, Mom, Terri and Sarah to get manicures Thursday morning. I'm going to go buy marshmallows for the reception (I reserved the picking of the marshmallows job for myself) and some cosmetic items too tonight. I asked Sarah to come down a day early, I really want her around.
The bra I bought is more of a boustier (spelling?) that covers my whole torso. I normally would never, EVER wear something like that (how fake would my body look!) but when I thought of the kind of confidence I would have wearing it, thinking I look absolutely flawless, made me want to do it.
Trevor & I had such a rough day yesterday. He even made the treck down here to Springville just to try and console me and talk about things. But we're okay today. I'm ignorning his parents until after the wedding...well...actually...I may always have to ignore them on some level.
I also bought Trevor two shirts that were on sale at the Gap. It is so much fun shopping for a man - especially Trevor.
I've got a few more things to do. My mother has been an absolute saint through all of this, trying to keep the stress low and doing as much as she can. I don't know quite how to thank her.

Read Leaf troubles. Troubles with the people buying the store. I'm trying hard not to make the buyers into villains in my imagination.

I'm stressed about money...money after the honeymoon and where it's going to come from. Trevor's not working full-time, and not even part time some weeks, until this dude leaves his job on July 20th. But I'm worried he's actually not going to leave because he keeps pushing the date back. I realized we only have to really stretch it until I graduate, then some miraculous job will come, I'm sure. I want to get together with a career advisor, Ron Spotts, to figure out what kind of jobs I am qualified for with an Art History degree. It's just hard because I don't know where Trevor's going to Pharmacy school, so I don't want to get a teaching certificate because it would only be good in Utah, and who knows how long we'll stay here? Oh wait, one thing at a time Shelley, I'm getting married in three days. Focus!

2006-06-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Interesting NYTimes article. I've always thought women were stronger and endured pain better than men. Why else would we carry the babies?

In case anyone was worried

2006-06-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

The meds seem to be working on some level - I'm getting woozy-wierd and my nose has dried up. Ears not popped, but I'm hopeful!

Sometimes I wish I could tell Alanis Morisette how much her music has meant to me over the years. That sounds like a scary-fan thing to say, but it's really true. I also just like to tell people how great they are. Her music takes me to a place that no one else can touch and where I can feel like myself. Whenever I break-up, get overwhelmed, scared, worried, etc. I listen to Alanis and feel better. It's like I get reaffirmed what I seek in life - earthiness, balance, and an attitude of service and love. It's not so much her words, but how long I've listened to it. It's those base feelings of coolness and selfness that I connect with it and always have. "Jagged Little Pill" was my first ever CD, and I still listen to it all the time. Anyway, a little Alanis is in order.

not enough

2006-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Guess how many days till the wedding? 4! F-O-U-R. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, FRIDAY. Me. Married. Whoa.
Stressful day today. I'm still really sick. When I was about 5 I had surgery on the tear duct on my right eye, and it has forever caused problems. When my right ear gets "plugged" because of altitude change, sinus infections, or general congestions (such as what I have now), it will NOT pop or become unplugged, for days or even a week at a time. Right now my ear is so plugged I can't hear out of it, making me feel even a little more stressed and terribly uncomfortable. It hurts. I even went to the doctor's today to get some meds to help me out. I'm generally not a baby about illness, and just let things ride out, and hardly EVER go to the doctor, but with my wedding so close I had to get any and all external help for my health to be in tip-top shape. So I'm on antibacterials, some strong decongestants, and some cough syrup. Now if only I could sleep....woke up at 3 AM and could not for the life of me get to sleep again. But I listened to the whole hour of some of my favorite classical music, "Affairs of the Heart" by Marjan Mozetich and let my imagination wander. But it did not help my overall wellness today.
Trevor & I got in a real argument today. His parents all the sudden wanted to squeeze a big family dinner inbetween the temple and reception. I know this came from a good place in their hearts. I know they just wanted some family time. But holy crap, who are they kidding?! Where is this magical hour going to come from? If we're lucky, we'll get out of the temple & pictures by 5:00 and hopefully be on the road back to Springville, which will take an hour, getting us there by 6:00 (thinking positively) giving us an hour to get ready for the reception at 7. When Trevor told me this I flipped out and started hurling out things like "If your parents really wanted to be kind, they could come down and darn well help set up for the reception" and "You are seriously underestimating how long this is going to take. Do you realize it takes half an hour just to get IN my dress?" and "This is incredibly selfish." He, understandibly, became defensive of his parents and himself. He said he just wants some time with me on our wedding day, but thinking of trying to squeeze that dinner in......man!!!!!! I'm still mad about it. The conversation ended with him saying "Fine! We won't do it. Don't even think about it - forget I mentioned it." Then things spiralled out again and we got angry. I'm not worried about what that means because emotions are running extremely high and stress levels are sky rocketing. But I'm still just mad at his wierd parents.
Anyway anyway anyway. It's Holly's birthday today. I wish I could have done something special for her. She made my birthday SO special last December. She also threw me the greatest bridal shower. I feel like such an ungrateful friend. I did wrap her carefully picked-out birthday presents in beautiful, matching paper and plan to bring her balloons today. But still.
Picked out the last-minute details for the wedding. Felt good to do that.
I'm stressed about my hair. I know no one else is, but I am. I just hope Sarah will do it, because I wasn't terribly impressed with the trial-run with the dude in Salt Lake. It fell out in twenty minutes.
The worse part of my ear problem is high noises are awfully sharp.

What a whiny blog! I'm getting married in 4 days! I am excited! Bright side: ALL the invitations are out, at least all that are going to be sent. My dress still fits like a glove & I look dang pretty in it. Sarah is coming down Wednesday. The apartment is cute. The semester's over. The backyard looks great - and is FINISHED. That's a way bright side. There's a lot to be excited about. I really want to go home and watch a movie - a good movie and go to bed. I think that's what I'll do - after I give Holly her not-enough birthday presents.

2006-06-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Still feeling sick. Actually worse than yesterday. Last day without garments, taking advantage of it by wearing my most immodest shirt. My mom's best friend from Texas flew in yesterday, and she really, really is helping my mental stability because she's going to be here through the whole wedding, and her sole purpose is to help. She's a blast anyway. But the two of them went to Anthropologie without me yesterday! Man! She also brought with her a garter, one that her grandmother wore on her wedding day, the one she wore and her aunt wore, and now it's my turn as one of her almost-daughters. It's something borrowed and blue.
Finally found someone to do my hair. I'm going for a test-run today. He's up in Salt Lake, a friend of my awesome photographer.
I kind of want to go blonde someday.
So much to do! I have to get thank-you cards out from the bridal shower, which is something I really want to do, but time is such a slippery thing to grab hold of these days. I keep remembering people I have yet to send invitations to, and now it's getting almost too late to send them! Oh well. Everyone tells me you forget lots of people anyway. I've sent out 300 invitations. Just my side.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree : Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man: Down to a sunless sea

2006-06-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

I just experienced the greatest class period I think I've ever had. Last class the professor said he had this dream of incorporating the '80s in the lecture. Thinking of that comment was the only reason I got out of bed to go to class at 7:30 in the morning. And boy am I glad I didn't miss out on that one! So he begins the lecture, reviewing some of the concepts we talked about last time, when we hear this loud buzzing noise coming from somewhere else in the building, and he stops, midsentence, (which has never happened before) and asks, "What is that? I hope it stops soon, or it will interfere with my plans." His plans? So he continues until finally he can't wait anymore and sends us on a break, which I spend napping. When I return to consciousness, we start discussing terms like simulacrum and pastiche, when he turns the projector on. "We're going to watch 'Xanadu', which is the ultimate culmination of everything we have been talking about, in fact, it's the culmination of everything." So we watch it, and I don't think I've seen a radder film in my life. Electrical skating rink, Olivia Newton John as a neo-Greek muse to a long-haired, awesomely dressed hero, Sonny Malone. It was awesome. Seeing as I myself love bizarre '80s anything, it was super great. I still don't know why the '80s hasn't seen a rivival. Why revive the '70s when the '80s is there!? Man. Anyway, back to the story, after we watch it he told us how the Hollywood video he rented it from gave him the movie for the price of renting it, which hurt the feelings of my professor. Here were his statements after watching it:
"Wasn't Olivia Newton John simply transendent? I mean really, isn't she? I think she's so hot."
And later...
"If any of you can help me leave the '80s by suggesting movies, books, music that might get me out of it, I need the help. I think I've spent too much time there."
He explained how that movie was the predecessor for everything after. I smiled the whole way through and tried so hard not to laugh, but I guess it's not as funny because you don't know my professor. Just imagine a tall, looks like Skinner from X-Files, dry-as-a-bone sense of humor, extremely intelligent and rather verbose English Department Chair declaring Olivia Newton John as transendent. That has to make you laugh. So much fun!

Got Trevor's ring, and I like it a lot. It's super light, and I hope that doesn't bother him. As for those of you who have followed the ring saga, it has come to a close. Trevor took my ring a while ago to trade it in for a designed one (which never even got started) and I told him I missed my old ring too much to give it up. Since the designed ring was never completed in design, concept or even started manufacturing, this caused no problem, and now the former loaner-ring is having the diamond Trevor picked out placed in it and cleaned up for permanent use. I am happy with this solution. Trevor has been spending hours, nay, days working on my wedding gift, so I am taking this in substitute for the ring ideas he had....does that make sense? So he's satisfied thinking he has designed and brought into creation something from his imagination, and I am satisfied having a ring. Phew.

So two days ago I took this assessment for my online health class to determine the predictability of my getting sick because of the amount of stress I have. It asked questions like "How many times have you changed jobs in the last year? How many negative interactions have you had with in-laws in the past six months? How many times have you been married in the last year? Divorced? Moved?" On and on. Well, you can imagine my score was pretty high, and the computer predicted I had an 80% chance of getting sick in the next little while. I don't know if that number sunk into my subconscious and I have subsequently made myself ill, but man alive I got sick yesterday and feel pretty icky today. Sore throat, headache, stomach issues...I really wonder if it was psychological, or if I actually caught something. Probably both, but Xanadu has definitely helped make me feel better :).

The Hoover Dam

2006-06-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

You know how I've been saying I haven't been jittery or anxious? Last night I had an almost complete breakdown. And man, I was doing so well!
Because of frustrating social obligations and a great deal of armtwisting, I've been attending a temple preparation class in Bountiful from a former bishop. Last night was the last class, and all I can say was it was dreadful. I don't think a blog is an appropriate place to discuss this, but it was an utter disaster that left me panicky about going through the temple on Saturday and in tears. It was compounded by Trevor's well-intentioned family overwhelming me even more. When I knew I couldn't handle one more minute I whispered to Trevor to take me on a drive. There I jut bawled - but not because of temple prep or all the wierdness that went on, I was just extremely sad to leave the Read Leaf. Sarah cried about the Read Leaf's evolution at my bridal shower, and I got a little teary-eyed, but I think it's been building since then. I think it was like one tear made way for the dam to break. So it all came out like the Hoover dam last night. Trevor was doing his very best at making me feel better, and has learned from previous experiences that it's best to just let me cry for a while then console. I feel okay today, mostly because my brain has been completely distracted because I'm writing an interesting paper that's due tomorrow.
Trevor was so sweet though, telling me I don't even have to go through the temple, we can get married civilly or not even married at all if I didn't want to. That was a sign of true love for me.
Anyway, so I suppose I won't just sail through the next 9 days, all the sudden the water got really choppy.

life-long readers

2006-06-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

From Shannon Hale's blog, I copped this. I like it so much.
"10 Ways Parents (inadvertently) Discourage Their Kids from Being Readers

1. Neglect to make regular family library visits
2. Stop reading aloud (I know parents who still read to their teens)
3. Don’t read books where the kids can see them (this goes for fathers especially, for some reason)
4. Don’t talk about books over dinner
5. Overlook the fact that a good family activity might be going to hear a writer speak at a bookstore or book festival
6. Designate the books in the family library as too precious for little kids to touch
7. Don’t read the books their kids are reading
8. Have a home that doesn’t accommodate reading (too formal, too noisy, not enough good reading lighting, or just no books or magazines around)
9. Schedule so many activities that the kids don’t have time to pick up a book
10. Believe that their childhood favorites are the only acceptable choices and are bound to also delight their children (some fateful examples: Treasure Island, Call of the Wild, Wind in the Willows, Johnny Tremain)

And the reason too important to put in a numbered list: Tell them a certain book or genre is too young for them"

My house growing up had everything a parent needs to make their children life-long readers according to this list. My mom read to me religiously every night until I started staying up later than her (sophomore year of high school) and it was such a special time for me. She read to each of us individually, separate books that we gravitated towards (example, my mom read to Ben lots of science fiction like Dune, she read to me fantasy books with strong heroines like Mara, Daughter of the Nile and Beauty, and my brothers she has read Ender's Game and Artemis Fowl, and Daina she reads books like Aquamarine). It meant I had my mom totally to myself for a period of time, which was an important thing for an oldest sibling of 5 children. I'm an avid reader, and I know a lot of it comes from my mom, and part from my insatiable curiousity for the world around me.

Oh what will I do when I don't work at a bookstore?!?!

Eustress

2006-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

"Eustress is a result of positive changes in our lives--a wedding, graduation, or a new job. Although these changes do affect an individual's homeostasis in the same way as distress, they ultimately lead to greater happiness and achievement as the body and mind adapt to the situation. Seyle points out that eustress is just as important for maintaining life as are bodily functions."

I read this in my online class lesson today. See - a wedding is eustress! Good stress, which is "just as important for maintaining life as are bodily functions." I read that to my mom, ha ha. She's not handling this very well. All the supposed bride jitters have seemingly skipped me and slipped into her veins instead. She keeps asking me things like: "Is it scary or wierd to you that you are actually getting married?" or "You are going to be living with Trevor. Living with him." or comments like this, "Would you two please not kiss ever in front of me?" or "Don't put your arm around her waist like that!" On and on. She sort of made a big deal of it at the shower. She hates seeing her children grown up. Poor mom. I'm being as empathetic as I can, while not keeping myself back from showing her I've grown-up and am getting married. I also remind her how much she wants little grandbabies, and how can she get them unless first Trevor and I cuddle on the couch?

Speaking of which, the bridal shower was wonderful! I had such a beautiful time. I felt so incredibly loved. It was a beautiful evening full of friends, good conversations and happy energy. I loved it. But I do get this gift-getting anxiety. Whenever someone gives me a gift and I don't have one to give in return, I get this awful anxiety. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel grateful but unnable to show how grateful in a public setting. I am writing very personal thank you cards, but it still never seems like enough.

You know how I've been ignoring schoolwork my semester? Well, it's caught up to me this week. It's not too bad though. Just a research paper (which I haven't started), 4 more online lessons and an exam. I can do it. I'm just relying on my daily planner to get everything done. This is fun stuff though, everything left to do.

unconnected thoughts

2006-06-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

Last day of class is next Thursday...I had no idea until I looked at the course syllabus about an hour ago. That's how on top of things I have been. Wow - wedding in 13 days! Yeehah! Can't wait! I'm not even jittery or worried...which is good, yes?
I was so happy to see Trevor yesterday. I couldn't stop looking at him and giving him squeezes.
Riding the scooter today, it's Art City Days (hooray for Springville!) with fireworks tonight, a fair next door, and all sorts of summer goodness. I can never say it enouh - I LOVE SUMMER! I LOVE IT!
OH - and someone bought us the dinner set I really wanted. Now I don't have to use the ugly ones Trev's kind grandmother gave us...how terrible I am. Bridal shower tonight, and I'm so excited to spend some time with my female friends.
Holly & I went out to Cafe Rio yesterday on a total spontaneous whim, and she's travelling this summer! Oh I'm excited for her - Austin, TX next week and San Fransisco later in the summer. I've been trying to get her to go on a road trip with me for years - it must be Hiedi that's motivating her enough - I was clearly not sufficient.
I just heard a rather disturbing conversation in the bookstore that went like this:
Mother to her child, who is probably 4 or 5 years old:

M: "Here it is - the sacrament book. This is the book you need."
C: "No - I don't want that one - I want to look at other books."
M: "Well too bad, this is the one you need. It will keep you quiet in sacrament."

Yikes! Wouldn't reading a book she picked out keep the little girl more occupied in sacrament meeting than making her buy a churchy one she doesn't even like? Hmmm...I hate church merchandise. But whenever I think the Mormon market has hit an all-time low (not that I think board books are, but oh say, replica hats of President Hinckley's) I think of this Catholic merchanidise website, which oddly makes me feel better & worse at the same time.

I'm a NYTimes addict. By addict I mean the real definition of the term, "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively ." If I go a few days without reading it I get anxious thinking about what potentially great articles I am missing. Like this trip to Disneyland, I'm eating a hamburger and thinking about what articles could be published this week I'm missing. I really don't know why I'm so into it. I also don't know if this is going to be a lifelong addiction or just a passing craze. I still read the BBC news religiously, but mostly for the Pictures of the Day part. I also read the Welsh news...Cymraeg am Bith!

Big Changes!

2006-06-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

Home from D-Land! We had a great time, but very glad to be back. I missed Trevor an awful lot, and I have a lot of wedding details to work on.

I walked into work this morning and it just felt so good to be back - but it was different! It's officially announced - The Read Leaf has been sold to Jim Morrisson of My Fun Family to create a hybrid children's book & toys retail space called Funfinity, carrying select adult book titles. I'm half-and-half about it. It's sad to think about the Read Leaf not existing the way it has, but it's exciting to see new energy spilling into a new idea. I'm excited to see where Margy, Roger & Jack will take their life - they are so full of possibilities. I'm anxious to see what cool things they will inevitably do.
I am somewhat glad the Read Leaf is changing because it forces me to move on. If in a few months when I'm up in Murray working at a job that inevitably won't be as great as this one, I'd always be thinking "Oh I want to go back to the Read Leaf," but this way, since it's not going to be the same Read Leaf I've worked at the past 3 years, I won't be able to think that way. Does that make sense? If the Read Leaf weren't to change, I don't think I'd ever look for another job. I'll always be able to look back at my time here in such fondness, and it's given me so many good skills. For example, I can now make phone calls to strangers (if you only knew what a leap that is for a phone-o-phobe like me), run a cash register (well, most the time time :), spark conversations with strangers, I know the book business, publishers and titles on some level, the list goes on and on. And it's not just occupational/work things I've learned, I've gained so much from spending time with Margy & Roger. They've really taught me how to be completely unbiased and optimistic in my outlook on life. They've taught me how to keep a truly open mind. They've also taught me what it is to be really un-materialistic. Margy's always saying "I'm such a bad capitalist!" but all I can think when she says that is "No - you are just one of the few people on this planet who truly does not see money as the number one priority." Wow, I am so lucky to have had this job and this experience!
Getting married, changing jobs, moving...so many changes! I have to admit, I'm only 5% sad, but overwhelming thrilled. I'm so very excited to be entering a new stage in life. I love to see myself grow in different directions, the person I'm becoming. Ooo I love to experience the unknown! I have no idea what's going to happen to me - but I can't wait to find out!

long while

2006-06-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

We had the Couple's Shower Trevor's ward threw for us a day ago - and it was great! Man alive, we got so much stuff! They were overly kind to us, truly overly kind. So many things from our registry! It was exciting! We even got the fondue pot! Wow! We got muffin tins, baking pans, cookie sheets, loaf pans, spatulas, wisks, plates, bowls, towels, candles, cups, baskets, coolers, camping gear, and so on! We're really ready to establish a home. You know, I've always wondered why people get so tied down to one spot throughout their lives, but after receiving so many beautiful gifts, I understood a little why. The best part by far was hearing Trevor's neighbors and ward members gush about him. They were telling me stories of his adolescence, how wonderful he was in the Scout program, what a kind neighbor, what good stock he comes from. Everyone loves him so much. And they flattered me by pulling Trevor aside and emphatically whispering - "WOW - Trevor - she's SO cute!" They sure knew how to make me feel welcomed and loved. There was a real sense of community there, so rare in our world, and so precious.
I did become a little uncomfortable when they told me we had to open all the presents there in front of everyone, and read the card attached and ask for advice. I don't really like performing, if you know what I mean, but it was actually really fine. My dad said I was gracious and Trev & I both handled ourselves well in public - all smiles and gratitude. He also said I didn't act like most other girls, and acted like a woman.
Only sad thing - the one item I wanted most was this HUGE 2 foot by two foot bright, Indian orange pillow (to contrast with our navy blue couch), but Target ran out of stock! Oh so sad. I should have bought them myself, but I did find some adequate substitutes at Pier One imports. You'd think I'd be really into Pier One, knowing my personality, but I'm not all that much, and I think it's mostly because I can tell it's not authentic Asian things...snob snob snob.

I'm excited to go to Disneyland, but I forgot that it meant not seeing Trevor for a week. I forgot about that until I had to say goodbye this morning. I know five days is nothing (heck, I waiting two years for him without even a phone call) but right now, three weeks before the wedding, it seems like an awful long time.

You'd think I wasn't taking classes the way I don't even think about them, let alone talk or even study for them. It's amazing - it's seriously like Islamic art encapsulated the very hardest punch BYU could muster for me, and now I don't even have to study for classes. But I had a great experience in class on Thursday. We watched "A Face in the Crowd" with Andy Griffith - but not the Andy Griffith you know. Oh my goodness, I haven't been sucked into a movie like that since I was twelve. In fact, at a semi-pivotal moment in the film I started speaking to the characters. I shouted, "No Marsha! Don't do it! Kick him out!" before remembering I was in a classroom full of strangers, who were all snickering. I know part of my enrapture was because I was front 'n center of a large screen in a silent class room, surrounded by people I don't know*, but holy smokes. Such an excellent film! Good acting, good storyline, like a better "Walk the Line." I would be careful to recommend it to everybody, but if you want a really great film with good acting and some great ideas, watch "A Face in the Crowd." Beside the fact that I share the major concerns presented in the film - mass media deteriorating free thinking - I related to Marsha. I've been Marsha to a couple of boyfriends. It's amazing how those Lonesome Rhodes are all the same - and your story with them always end the same too - with a blonde bimbo. Ha ha, not that I'm bitter. I sure ended up with the better deal.

I read Linda Dackman's article "When You Wish Upon a Saint, Watch What You Ask For" in the NYTimes today, and her words explaining love are the closest I've ever read to how I see it:
"It seemed so daunting to surrender to another, especially to something so vulnerable. It was so exquisite as to be heartbreaking."
It is - love is so frightening because you are really allowing yourself to become vulnerable, open to pain, and accepting the fact you're in for whatever the ride will bring because you are in love. What an amazing thing! And you really are surrendering yourself to another because you are placing their needs before yours, automatically sacrificing some of your independence in a way - but reaching a greater freedom all at the same time.

Anyway, some more everyday thoughts. You probably won't hear from me in a while - firstly because of my trip, then because wedding plans are getting faster and faster, and thirdly because I'll be moving :). I intend to keep blogging, but there may be a break for a while. I hope it's not a long while :).

*Does anyone else out there find watching movies with others difficult sometimes? You're always wondering if they're liking it too, or if they're bored, or if you should say something, or if it's reflecting poorly on you that you chose it. I like watching things alone - or with Holly & Hiedi, because they don't interrupt. Last summer we had a movie party outdoors, and my suggestion was "Night of the Living Dead," which I thought was a great choice.......I'm afraid Trev & I were the only fans.

freeing

2006-05-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

If my mother and father were opposing political parties, the backyard would be the war in Iraq. Extremely volatile, expensive, never-ending (especially by any deadlines set), and requires sacrifice from all of us. Not that I wish to make light of the war, especially on Memorial Day. I'm just drawing a metaphor.

People are buying things off our registry! It's absurdly exciting for me. I can't wait to see the people who give them to us. It's amazing that a complete stranger would buy an intimate day-to-day thing like a shower curtain for me.
Invitations should be out by the end of the week - cross your fingers! Trevor's sort of in charge of accumulating and printing out his own addresses and guest list - and I guess I don't care too much if those get out on time since I don't know them and Trevor doesn't care that much, but is that bad? Huh.
His mother is causing a little pain again - but I talked to my bishop on Sunday about it. He made it very very clear to me that it is not my responsibility to make his family like me. I don't even have to like them. In the end it's just me and Trevor. I represent a lot of different things to them - loss of a brother, competition, loss of motherhood, etc. that I have no control over and whoever was the bride-to-be whenever Trevor got married, she'd receive the same treatment. It's amazing how enormously I feel better knowing a religious authoritative figure in my life told me to quit caring about my in-laws. It's like I knew all those things before I talked to him, but to hear someone I respect and who is outside the picture reinforce them, well, it just felt freeing.
With all this marriage business goin' on, I'm realizing that I deal with change much better than some. I can blame it on all the pain being a military brat is. You have to deal with loss of friends, moving, changing, new places all the time, and it gives you a sort of resilience, while also making it difficult to emotionally rely on people or ask for help. So I'm trying to have more compassion on Trev's family, who haven't had to deal with as much change in life as I have, and realize how hard change is for them, and how relatively easy it is for me because of my upbringing.
Trev's brother (the mean one) made a comment about blogs to me when I was over last, and I had a panacking thought that he could be reading my blog. What are the odds, do you think? Trevor doesn't read it, he doesn't even know where it is, so I'm thinking it's highly unlikely, but to a nervous nearly sister-in-law, it was a paranoid moment...

Overall, extremely happy lately. We leave for Disneyland next Sunday - I can't wait! I can't wait to do any sort of traveling again, even if it is to somewhere I've gone every summer of my life :).

2006-05-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

Isn't this hilarious? I borrowed it from a friendly funny blog.

good stuff

2006-05-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

We made a new travel memoir convert today! My conversation with a customer went like this today:

C: "Do you have any books on Italy?"
M: "Yeah - let me show you."
I take her to the travel/adventure section and ask her this:
M: "Are you thinking guide book or memoir?"
C: "Umm...just experiences in Italy."
So I pull out Under the Tuscan Sun and The Reluctant Tuscan.
C: "So what are these?"
M: "People writing about their experiences in Italy. Although, Under the Tuscan Sun is as much about the main character's personal transformation & rediscovery than about Italy, but you pick up a lot about it on the side - I promise it'll make you want to go!"
C: "So wait - this whole section is writers' experiences in other countries?"
M: "Uh-huh."
C: "I didn't know there were books like that! Oh I'm so excited!"
I was very satisfied with this conversation. She ended up buying Under the Tuscan Sun, Working, Living and Studying in Italy, and Little Women. She almost bought Bill Bryson's Walk in the Woods, but it seemed one travel memoir was enough for one day.

Oh I'm getting anxious for things to start really getting underway. Trevor signed all the papers and got us organized to move into the apartment I loved! YEAHYEAHYEAH! It's so exciting! I just can't wait to have a little home of my own. I'm excited to have my own little family. I'm excited to have my own home, not apartment or ship cabin or temporary living space, not even my parent's home will be my home. Trevor will be. Oh I can't wait for that! I can't wait to have our books on shelves, our pots and pans, our own vacuum...To be the designer of my own living room. I also can't wait to towel off with towels that don't smell like the dog because my sister used my shower and my towels to wash Tiberius *ick ick ick!!!!*.

OH - and tell me how great this is! When driving back from signing for the apartment, Trevor discovered that not less than two blocks away from our apt. is a drive-in movie theater! Yes! I'm so excited! I adore drive-in theaters, and haven't been to one since the one here in Springville closed oh, six years ago.

Listening to Nick Drake today -- good stuff.

admirers

2006-05-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

Someone has bought us a baking rack and muffin tin from our Target registry! How exciting! I was so excited to see the little "fulfilled" tag next to the items.

I am much better today - not angry anymore. This is in consequence of talking to Trevor for a couple hours last night and got some things cleared up, particularly about Blake. Botwinik's advice helped too. Ring is still up in the air - but I'm not stressed about it anymore.

We're going to see X-Men tonight! YES! I really wanted to see it opening night, and lo and behold, Holly had two extra tickets for Trev & me! It'll feel like summer. My sibs' last day of school is today! I remember just relishing that feeling of nothingness in the last week of school - having nothing but social exchanges, emotional moments, and hoping someone wrote a confession of love in my yearbook. That actually happened twice. I'll have you know, one of my favorite accomplishments in life was being voted in the top ten girls who had the most secret admirers in the high school. The school's newspaper did an anonymous poll for a Valentine's day edition. I still remember what someone said about me in the paper: "I have a secret crush on Shelley because she walks with such elegance, straight and tall, and her smile is so genuine." Hee hee, it still makes me happy, mostly because I never knew who wrote it. Wow, that was an egotistical rant, eh? I guess it's okay to celebrate yourself just a little bit. I know I didn't have any secret admirers in college, and no one told me I walked straight and tall.

Cleaning out my closet I found my old cache of Audrey Hepburn paraphenalia - books, posters, magazine cut-outs, biographies, even the Barbie doll "Breakfast at Tiffany's" edition. I used to worship her, and I still love to watch her. When I was in middle school/junior high, I used to watch 15 minutes of an Audrey Hepburn movie every night before bed and record her mannerisms in my head, and try to duplicate them. Wierd huh? But I wanted to speak, walk, act and be treated like she was on screen. This semi-obsession lead me to take French, get into fashion, and experiment with my hair. She was my adolescent role model. I still wish I was like her in some ways - but not so much in her younger years, but I wish I was in Africa helping the orphans like she did. She was remarkable. A Roman Holiday is still my number one, ultimate favorite movie. No doubt. I mean, Gregory Peck, Audrey Hepburn, and ROME. What more could you possibly ask for? In Italy I wore outfits like she did in the movie - a white button-up, skirt and scarf. Now there's proof of a hard-core fan, yes?

...but cosmetics are easier to buy

2006-05-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

The same things I love in Trevor are the ones that drive me up a wall. I have been so grouchy today - but have not expressed it in negative energy towards people, which is good. It's just in my head - just at Trevor.

I can't wait to see Marie Antoinette. I love the preview - I haven't liked one this much since Moulin Rouge.

I realized I've beaten the college game. I didn't study one iota for the exam I took this morning, but no question took me off guard and I did swell. I didn't even make anything up. That made me feel great, seeing as it was an upper-division class, taught by the department chair, in a major other than my own, and for which I did not have the requisite classes finished for (shh! don't tell anyone!). The only thing I have to master now is...waking up on time. I fell asleep last night before I set my alarm and woke up at the exact latest moment I can leave my house and still be on time to class. I threw my clothes on from the floor and got in the car - no brushing my teeth or washing my face or even clean clothes. Yikes. I've never done that - gross! But don't worry, I've bathed now and have nice clean clothes on for work.

I miss Welsh, seriously. Whenever I see an odd word with a double "ll" or "dd" I want to speak it - or just say "esgidiau," my favorite Welsh word (it means "shoes"). I loved it so much more than I ever loved taking French.

I did something I shouldn't have done - I ordered the expensive Collector's Edition of Lord of the Rings. I can't really afford it, but when I realized that I may only have a discount on books for so long, I decided it was the one book I wanted most. In my defense, I do not have a complete set of the three books...and think how great it will look on my bookshelf in my new apartment!

BIG THANKS to everyone who helped with the invitations. It was amazing - we got almost every single one done in two hours or so. I could not have done it without such spectacular friends. My mom said to me afterwards: "Wow - I sure feel boring when I'm around Hiedi and Holly." I gave a little laugh and admitted to their great vivacity.

Okay, okay, fine, I'll tell you. I'm mad at Trevor because of the ring. You know how the one I'm wearing is a "loaner" ring the jeweler gave me because the real one wasn't done yet (or even designed yet)? The only reason it's a loaner ring is because Trevor wanted to design "the one ring" endowing it with all sorts of symbolism and meaning (make it elven-ish design because I love LOTR, have some ocean elements because of my love for the sea, have four rings for the four children we hope to have, etc.). Well he's taken forever with the design, and when he finally gave it to our patient jeweler, he told Trev the design was so complex and out of the ordinary that he'd have to have it made in Europe, which would take around 6 months to have it done, and cost a whole bundle more (of money we don't have). Of course we can't do that. I told him I'd be so happy to keep this ring. But Trevor won't hear of it because "it's not mine - I didn't design it," which I suppose is of paramount importance to him. But that's so selfish. This is a gift to me, and he's being a sensitif artiste about it, and dang it, it's more important to me to have my wedding ring on my wedding day. I'm so happy with this one! If he had been less of a procrastinator he could have had both worlds, and made us both happy. I am not a procrastinator - and I'm serious about that. Plans plans plans. Anyway, so I'm mad at him for being so slow about this and gosh it makes me mad.
But -- this anger links to something deeper. For the same sensitif reasons mentioned above, he never proposed like he had planned. Every night while falling asleep on his mission Trevor ruminated how he would ask me to marry him. That's not an exaduration. We decided together we were going to get married last December. He didn't necessarily ask, we just discussed it, prayed and came to the same conclusion. That is fine with me - and it really is fine with me that he didn't propose how he wanted to.* So, this proposal-skippage linked to the ring slothfulness has made me, the schiztsy bride, nervous that this represents a deeply hidden desire to not be married. That he doesn't really want to do it. When I brought this up, Trevor got so upset, he said I was being ridiculous, and how could I ever think that. Well, I do think that, and does it matter if it's ridiculous if I feel it? If it's a real concern, doesn't that disqualify it as ridiculous? It's real enough to me. Grrrr. So frustrated. It's frustrating because I love him for the very sensitiveness that I'm begrudging. I love his artsy side - but hate it! I love how he knows me so well and wants to do spectacular things for me, but wouldn't it be better if he did something rather than nothing at all because it's not good enough for me? But then I wonder if it's just pride - if it's not perfect, it's not good enough for him, because in the end it hurts my feelings.

I think this is all compounded by a terrible dream I had last night that has lingered into today. It was like Alice in Wonderland version of Trevor's family. It was awful.
Does anyone remember how I complained about how I hate Trevor spending time with Blake? Yes, well, Blake's home from New York and those feelings are back. I feel terrible that I hate him spending time with his brother. It's his brother, for crying out loud. Isn't that terrible? Oh it is terrible. I'm mad at myself for feeling it. I don't like it because they do the stupidest things together (yes, I know stupidest isn't a word, but it sure works in this context). I know they are "guy things" and being a girl I "won't ever understand," but being a girl I can sure hate them.
I suppose this is where blogging and journal-writing blend, and where personal things shouldn't be on the world wide web. But it feels oh-so good to get it out in a source that isn't intimately connected to the main characters. I know I'll feel differently in a few days when this blows over, but right now I'm very angry.

I felt so vindicated in my no-make-upness in this article. Best part: "The most beautiful makeup for a woman is passion" is the famous quotation of the designer Yves Saint Laurent. "But cosmetics are easier to buy." I am satisfied with that definition of beauty :).

On a light note - my heart-shaped rosy glasses are absolutely perfect for the skooter - they keep bugs out and fashion in :). I just love them. Made my whole day.

*He did propose, in a very simple way without the ring, that meant the world to me.

2006-05-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

Our invitations are done printing! Now for the assembling! Yeah!

And this was just a cute picture from the BBC. When I was little I always wanted a baby tiger.

Procedure

2006-05-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

So I am somewhat confused as to what my relationships with my still-single guy friends should be.

Situation One:
On Sunday a character I never much cared for but who cared very very much for me approached me and cornered me for an hour of blustery chatter at church. He loved me before he left on his mission, and I, quite frankly, couldn't stand him. He returned a week ago, and came up to me at church and right off the bat exclaims his surprise at the ring on my finger. He started saying things like, "I recognized you from behind because of the way you were playing with your hair - I remembered how you always played with your hair." Blah blah blah. I couldn't escape either - whenever I'd back away or make a graceful exit cue such as "Well, it was sure nice to see ya!" he'd follow! It was becoming rather uncomfortable both socially and personally. I eventually called in sick and just left the church, realizing if I went to Relief Society he'd try to find me afterward. I got the same claustrophobic feeling he gave me when we were in high school. He's nice enough, and looks strikingly like Patrick Swayze, but man....

Situation Two:
My two great guy friends from high school are still very good friends of mine. I wrote both of them on their missions, and have hung out with them often since then. In high school we were all three very close and spent nearly every weekend together. I did date one of them, which complicated things a bit, but in the end it didn't go anywhere and we are still pals. Anyway, I spent time with Tyler last week and had a great time. But we were one on one, is that illegal for nearly-married women? I really don't know. We just got ice cream and talked about his recent breakup and laughed together. I don't have any romantic feelings or anything alike. He's just a very dear friend. They both are.

Situation Three:
Another old friend who visits me at work and talks to me on campus. He's a little different because we both liked each other a long time ago, and I think if I weren't getting married he might want to expand on that feeling. Anyway, he comes in to just talk and be friendly.

dilemma:
My mother was voted the No. 1 most flirty girl in her class. When this fact is mentioned, she quickly recants with "No no no - I just had a lot of guy friends. I didn't flirt, I was just friendly." I'm afraid I have the same problem. I just have a lot of guy friends, I'm not flirty, just friendly. Well, sometimes flirty. Now that I'm getting married I don't know what to do about those relationships. They make Trevor uncomfortable, and sometimes he's even jealous. So do I cut them off to a certain degree, or what? They don't like to spend time with me AND Trevor, because they can't speak to me freely or something. I'm thinking this problem may resolve itself once I'm actually wed, but right now I'm not sure how to proceed. Suggestions?

invitations

2006-05-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Trev & I went to Kinko's to approve the proof for our invitations today. For the paper colors we chose the first a mixture of coffee-mocha browns and the second set look rather nautical in a navy blue and ivory. They look awesome! Tomorrow's the big party to assemble them. How grateful I am for help!
Everything's going really well. I'm really glad.
I am really hoping Justin Hackworth can be our photographer. I should have decided this photography business a month ago - but I didn't. So now I have my silly little heart set, and I don't even know if he can do it. I'll give him a call tonight because he hasn't responded to my e-mail yet, and I sent it a couple of days ago.

letter from amit varma's blog

2006-05-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

I read this letter on this blog - one of my favorites.
"When I became engaged several years ago I had several people ask me why I would ever take another person's name. My answer was and always will be: "My maiden name is not my own. It is my father's father's father's name. My first and middle name are not my own either, they were given to me by my parents. What difference does it make whether I keep the patriarchal name I received at birth or I choose to take the legal name of the person I now share an address with? Everyone has been given someone else's name. Wives are the only ones given an option of changing our names or not. Men are saddled with a name which carries all the weight of their fathers since the beginning of the family. Seems to me I am the one with more social options than my love.
As a post script I feel inclined to say that my real first name is Shyam, however it is not an Indian name. I only mention this because others have been confused and on occasion insulted when they find out I am an American. My parents were "free spirits" and when my father had to join the military to support his pregnant wife he often wrote to her while away. Every letter he signed S.H.Y.A.M. This stood for So Happy You Are Mine. When I was born my mother graced me with that name never having heard it before. It was not until years later, when my circle of friends widened, that I started to hear it as an Indian name."

I really liked that.

some reality, please?

2006-05-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

This is probably one of the saddest articles I've read. I've never watched T.V., and I'm not sure why. It's not like growing up my mom was against it or forbid us to watch it, we just never did. I can understand maybe getting into one show, but the people who are so addicted like that...man. I want to get them outside! I want to send them to southern Utah where everything's so vast and open and the desert is every shade of color.

2006-05-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

Irks of Bookselling 101:

1. Every book series should have the volume number on the spine, or at least an accurate, chronological listing in the first few pages. I do not understand why they would ever list them alphabetically. No one asks "Which of her books starts with A?" No, it's "Which is her sixth and eleventh book in the series?"

2. No one should ever try to pay for something under $5 with $100 bill or credit card.

3. When a customer opens a book wide enough to break the spine, in order to "read it better." Grrr.

4. When a customer complains about the price of a hardback book (they don't understand how in twenty years the hardback is going to still look terrific, while the paperback is going to be completely worn.)

5. This all too common conversation:
C: (holding a young adult novel or picture book) "Do you only have this in hardback?"
S: "Yes. That one probably won't be out in paperback for a while - it's brand new."
C: "But I know it's in paperback. I've seen it!"
S: "Umm...Do you have Scholastic book orders at home? They can get them in paperback before retail channels can, you've probably seen it there. I promise it's only in Scholastic."
C: (give a disbelieving look and irritated sigh. They think I'm lying!)

6. When a customer combats the fact that their favorite book is simply out of print, and we really can't get it in. ("I know it was only printed 20 years ago, but they're just not making them anymore. I'm sorry!") This is usually a sad thing, not so much an irk. It's sad when good books go out of print.

7. When customers watch their children destroy a book (take out the stickers, suck on the corners, step on it) and intentionally leave it where the child disarded it - they certainly wouldn't pay for it.

My terrific buy of the week:

And I fully intend to wear them - and see the world through rose-colored glasses.

gardenias

2006-05-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Oomph. I feel better today. I really do. Trevor talked to me for hours yesterday, and it made me feel worlds better. He always does. The best part of it for me was that we openly discussed how I dislike his family, so I don't have to pretend like I do. Not like I was, but it just felt somewhat freeing to just say it out loud a few times to him and him telling me he knows and it's okay.
I also feel better because I got to do something I was looking forward to doing - I picked out the flowers for my bouquet, the boutonnieres for the men, corsages for the bridesmaids and mothers and grandmothers, and table decorations. I aparently have very expensive taste in flowers. But my bouquet is going to be beautiful! I'm having a lot of gardenias, because I love them. They're so romantic and summer-y. I also have these beautiful purple flowers lis-something, and little white flowers. I think it's going to be grand. I started to finally get excited for the reception when I realized I'd get to carry around flowers all day and have a gardenia in my hair.
I'm just feeling better all around. Things are getting done.
AND - exciting - Megan and I (and whoever else would like to join us) are going to have a silent film night! Yeehah! This Friday evening. I'm thinking we should try to pull the projector outside and watch it outside. I really want to have a Bollywood night too, but I don't know how well a three-hour film would fair at a party. It'd have to be filled with willing participants.

2006-05-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to get out of bed today. I really don't know why. It's not like I had unpleasant things to do, or am depressed. Well, maybe a titch depressed. I'm depressed that my real wedding ring won't be done by our wedding day. I'm depressed that Trevor's family still depends on him so much. I'm depressed that my feelings toward his family have shifted from medium dislike to something worse...but it's my own rule that I don't think about his family at all today. They're just so wierd. I'm worried that I'm not enjoying the wedding planning stages at all. I'm worried that it's a sign. I've looked forward to planning a wedding my whole life, thinking, Man, Mom and I are going to have a ton of fun picking out things. There have been some fun moments - like planning out the candy bar and picking out the boxes and so forth, but the majority of this whole planning business has been dumb and stressful. But you know, my friends are getting excited for me for this reception. They can't see all the dumbness that's gone on behind it - so I'm hoping on the wedding day I'll be able to forget all of it too.
Trevor makes me mad sometimes - is that okay? Is that normal for engaged people? We do spend at least 99% of the time very happy with each other, but sometimes I do get frustrated with him. I hope that's not a bad sign either.
Right before work I laid on my bed with the fan going and the windows open, and listened to Damien Rice, and that seemed to help. Sometimes it helps to give in totally to your melancholy. It helps it leave.
But it's so beautiful today! WOW! Sunny, warm, breezy! I wore a skirt and drove the skooter. Way fun. If I've never mentioned it before, may I emphatically state, SUMMER IS THE BEST SEASON. At least, it's my ultimate favorite, no doubt.

My dad was so kind and had the chips replaced in my windshield this morning. It was a sweet surprise. Then he and my mom and I went out to lunch. I don't get to spend enough time with my dad.
So I suppose the Wedding Blues have increased and maybe just morphed into general melancholy. I hate how Trevor picks up on my moods so quickly and makes them his own. We're both chameleons when it comes to each other - transparent and we change to be the same. I just know it's made him moody today too, and I hate that I affected his day like that. I wish I could just be happy to make him happy.
We got to talk to my brother for Mother's Day. I miss him dreadfully. I didn't get to talk to him long enough. I know that missionaries are supposed to really disconnect from their family and old life on a mission, but man, it sucks. I hate not being able to just talk to Ben when he needs it. I hate how lonely he is and how isolated he is from the people who love him. It doesn't seem fair. I guess it's a lack of faith on my part, but I am not exactly seeing the blessings coming from having a missionary out. It's only caused us extreme sadness and missing him. He's only been out 6 months, and we don't miss him any less. He is such a rock in our family.

I'm still working on invitations. Flowers, invitations, catering, photographer, hair. Meh. Can I just lay and listen to Damien Rice, and hear Ben downstairs coming in after a run, and Trevor's family disappear off the planet? Wow, am I un-Christ like today. I'm definitely human. Seriously human.

bride!

2006-05-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

These were some pictures Holly took after we went to the bridal shots. Like 'em?

The Wedding Blues -- and some random thoughts on architecture

2006-05-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today I'm feeling wedding burn-out. I'm glad to know that very few of my anxieties come from Trevor and our relationship. They all have to do with money & pleasing both families. Getting tired of the presence of Trevor's parents in my brain. I know it will leave eventually, but right now, they're in my head. Mostly because I never seem to please them. I have to realize I probably never will, because they are hardly completely content with anything. I'm not taking it personally anymore, I'm just getting exhausted by it.
I think I'm also just really tired today. And my Dad gave me a call about how much I'm spending on the wedding. *Sigh*. This will be over soon, right? Yes. It really will. I can't wait for that. In fact, in 41 days the wedding will be over. Huzzah!
Got my bridal shots yesterday - they were fun, but certainly did not reflect my personality. I'm glad I got them done, and now I know I don't want that photographer for the wedding. So what I have left: invitations and photography and still, my hair. I got my hair done yesterday for the pictures, but yikes, it wasn't my personality either. It's just that I got to talking to the hairdresser, who was actually someone I went to high school with but never knew very well, and we were just chatting away, so I wasn't paying attention to how much curling and foofing she was doing. I guess it doesn't matter - I made a new friend.
One thing she said that made me inwardly chortle was when she asked me what I was graduating in and what I was going to do after. I told her Art History and my driving passion for it, but that I had no idea what I was going to do after I graduated. She said something along the lines of this in response, "Oh I wouldn't worry about that. You know, with the DaVinci Code craze, which is the best book written in this century, I think it's just going to pick up. Seriously, Art History is going to boom after the movie comes out." Hee hee hee. I'm not making fun of her, because like I said, she is now a friend of mine, but man that was a funny comment. I'm thinking, Dang, if the DaVinci Code is the future for Art History, we're all in trouble!*
So I'm going up to Bountiful tonight to spend some time with Trev. I am not sure what we're going to do. I'm secretly hoping for some Pie Pizza - our favorite pizza place, which has recently been nominated as one of the top twenty best pizza restaurants in the nation. I would agree to that.
The stupid yard sale cars are out in front of the Read Leaf again. Today was the first time I've actually heard customers complain about it. One customer, one of my very favorites of all time, said she would gently but firmly complain to the city about it. I told her we'd appreciate it greatly. Another customer came in and asked what on earth it was all about. What I wanted to say was "The cars you see so emboldly parked in front of commercial property are the height and penultimate example of Springville's laziness and cheapness - sadly our worse side." So annoying.
I'm with Prince Charles and his city planning on this one - hide the cars! In fact, make everything so localized you can walk everywhere - and while you're at it, give the architecture some class and meaning. Europe's got this going in some spots. But here in the west, everything's so big and far apart. It's like we still have this cowboy thinking where the whole desert is our cattle range, when really, we're pretty dang urban and suburban, and terribly wasteful of resources. I know some cities in the U.S. are working on this accessible, walk-able down town, like this town in Georgia I heard about on N.P.R., but I'm afraid it would take such a fundamental mindset shift in our collective Western U.S. conscience that it would take generations to change - which we really don't have time for.
I really want architecture to undergo a revolution. In my Modern Architecture class I took so many semesters ago, I got so depressed looking at the stuff we're building now, and have been building for the last century. So boring! So dispensible and cold! Not a human touch or true beauty. So much of it is just...souless. Look at your local mall. Yes, I knew you'd agree with me.

So, I hope these wedding blues pass. I know the reception is going to be fun. I know it's all going to be a lovely experience. Just feeling overloaded a bit. Maybe we should have eloped. My hairdresser did.

*P.S.~ In case you are wondering, while Dan Brown's DaVinci Code is a fun mystery, the Art History in it is, well, crap. I feel it is my duty to report that to the world.
*P.S.S.~ Honeymoon plans have been made, reservations set in place. Never thought we'd go this route. It's going to be fun, and not expensive.

2006-05-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

Oh this would be a heaven. Wales and used book stores. Ooo, can I go?!

chance to enhance

2006-05-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

First outsourcing for wedding: Holly got work off early on Friday to help me with my bridal shots. *Whew*. My mom was supposed to help me (helping including: lacing me into my dress, applying some sort of make-up since I have absolutely no experience in this area, but I know I'll need a little to look good in pictures, and driving me to the photographers, since I think I'd have a devil of a time getting all my train in and finding the brake pedal on my own.) It was difficult to outsource, but Heidi said something along the lines of the more involved you are in the preparations, the more fun the wedding will be. And I guess it's true. It's always fun to say you worked behind the scenes of something. Now if only I could find something for Trevor's parents....ah!
Spent a few hours working in the yard - only for my dear mum to decide we just weren't doing a good enough job on the raised beds, and asked the landscapers to do yet another thing for us. I don't mind the exercize, I just sort of wish it hadn't been wasted. And I'd say it wasn't wasted if I had had a good conversation with my mom, but we didn't, because I was really grouchy about a pretty emotional and frustrating "discussion" I had with Trev last night. No worries, things have been resolved and we are really good, it was just a difficult and long night with long discussions.
Oh I'm culinarily defunct. I really am. When I've lived away from home, I've eaten mostly out of these food groups, none of which take longer than, oh, thirty seconds to prepare:
1. Apples
2. Lean Cuisine 10 for $10 frozen dinners (eew....I know!)
3. Baby spinach with cheese
4. Marshmallows
For being such a proponent of good cooking and a promoter of eating healthy, I sure did a shoddy job living alone. So I'm concerned with how I'm going to be when married. I think it will be a little different because I'll have someone else to cook for too, and, maybe, hopefully, I'll have more time for daily living essentials? I know I just have to carve out time to purely cooking and preparing meals. And I want to - it's just that I never seem to actually get around to doing that.
I bought a Rachel Ray cookbook with 30-minute, healthy meals, and I'm thinking if I make the commitment of actually buying the ingredients, I'd spend the time to make a meal. I know Trevor can't live on apples and baby spinach, and when we have kids definitely not, so I'm hoping my newly wed life will provide me with the chance to enhance my sadly non-exsistent culinary skills.

2006-05-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

I really like Lindsay Lohan. I know she's a party girl, but she's just so fun to watch! Ever since The Parent Trap remake came out, I've thought she was great fun. I really want to see Just My Luck this weekend. I think this falls under the "I enjoy other people's high school drama" category of my favorite things. I unabashedly love teeny-bopper movies.

ironic

2006-05-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

45 more days to go! 45 guys! Yeehah!
Trev's parents had another...meltdown last night. *Sigh*. They're upset now because we're not involving them too much in the plans. In fact, we're not really involving them at all. They have taken great personal offense to this. There are at least these three reasons I have not involved them:
1. We're having the reception down here, at my house, and I'm the bride, and isn't it tradition that the bride & her family take care of the reception?
2. I've heard them complain at how much they had to do for Ian's wedding - how much time and money it sucked, and how hard it was for them. With this in mind, I thought, Well, I won't be doing that to them, then, if they hated it so much.
3. We live an hour away from each other. It's not like I can just call up Trevor's mom and ask her to come help us pick out table cloths. I, personally, don't think an hour drive is very much, but I know it is for his parents. It's such a Utah mindset. The fact that we're having two receptions because the people in Trevor's ward would most likely not come if it was waaaay down in Springville is a Utah mindset. Bah humbug.
Anyway, so Trevor' been having to deal with their stress, and Blake's all mad because I haven't responded to his e-mail apologies. I really thought he'd call me and talk, so I was waiting for that. So I wrote him back last night, thinking it was one of the few things I could work on to help Trevor and his family situation.
Oh I'm scared to marry into this family.

On a totally separate note, I'm loving Spring classes. Well, more like Spring class. I love my English 363 class! I love the discussion, the literature, the professor, all of it. So fun. Although this morning I set my alarm for 7 PM instead of 7 AM and missed the whole first hour, and ran just as fast as I could to get to class, and spent the remaining 2 1/2 hours taking the quiz and trying to listen to the lecture. The quiz was on My Antonia, a book I really love. Sometimes I wish I was Antonia, an earthy, complex Bohemian...

I've set out a schedule for the rest of the wedding. I have dates to have everything done by. I am definitely one of those people who has to have a daily planner or I'd die - if I've written it down, it will get done, and on time. If I don't, I forget it entirely. I even have to write down what I have to tell Trevor when we talk on the phone.
Oh - and this will give everyone a sadistical laugh. Yes, laugh at my expense, I deserve it here. I got an A in Islamic Art..................huh. I must have aced the final, because I literally got a 51% on the midterm. I studied so hard for that final...everything since then has seemed so easy - even cramped Spring semester. It's amazing how much that class traumatized me academically. But I got an A. Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?

surfin'

2006-05-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Wow - life is moving fast!!! It's like I'm getting pushed into shore by a really strong wave, the kind that takes your whole body in and washes you into it. I love that feeling. It's exciting because it's forcing me to do things quicker than I would have otherwise, which sort of diminishes my choices. This is good because if left to my own devices I'd take a while making each decision. Now I'm like, "Sure - it matches the wedding, sort of, let's do it!" "You rent lights? Okay, whatever ones you have, give us ten strings." I'm getting my bridal shots next Friday, and I'm stuck as to hair. Two hair stylists have turned me down - don't want the pressure of wedding-do's, and also neither knew how to do the kind of style I want. So. But I can't wait to wear my dress!
We got in an Advanced Reader copy of Shannon Hale's River Secrets, which I am very excited about! I really love the way she writes. So I wrote to her & told her how excited we were, and she actually wrote back! Within the day! She said:
"Thank you, Shelley! It’s so cool getting the inside scoop from a bookseller. I can’t believe how lucky I’ve been. I truly don’t deserve it, but don’t tell anyone."
I'd like to think we'd be friends if we knew each other. She's just so fun. I'd also highly recommend her blog.
Trev & I took some engagement photos yesterday, in the very few brief minutes of sunshine between the rain. We got one that we both liked. Margy recommended instead of invitations, make a little story book to send. What a fun idea, huh?! I brought it up with Trev yesterday to see what he thought, and he was just as excited as I was about it. So story-book invitations. Wouldn't you like to get one of those instead? It may take some design skills I do not have to do this. I'm going to Kinkos on Monday to see what they can help me with.
A lot of people's advice in wedding-planning is to outsource. That's pretty hard for me since I usually do everything myself in every other area of my life. My poor mother has been so stressed with all this, and I'm trying to do as much as I can. I'm just a busy chick these days - but this time it's fun stress. It's not Islamic Art stress.
There's only 48 days left as Shelley Priest. It's okay, I've actually never been really attached to that last name. I got lots of "Are you related to Judas Priest" in my school days *oy*. I'm really excited to trade it for Williams. Shelley Williams. Sounds so sturdy. I'm actually probably going to give myself a middle name too while I'm at it. I've always wanted one.
Oh the weather's warming up and it's almost time for summer - by far the best season of the year. How I love warm nights with crickets and summer road trips!

happy prism

2006-05-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

Rude customer:

C: "Do you have any journals for kids?"
Me: "We have some blank books over here in these baskets."
C: "Well, yeah, I don't want them already filled, of course I need them blank."
*I'm thinking Wow, she's rude, but then I look at her little gaggle of kids and think, Oh.*

It's amazing how working in any kind of retail space makes one a better shopper. I think it should be requisite for anyone who spends more than five hours a week shopping to have worked retail.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. My emotional and mental energies have been tapped elsewhere. I'm doing really great though. The excitement I'm feeling for marrying Trevor is outwaying the difficulties in plans. We've been having some blissful times together. Like on Sunday, we packed a picknick and read the Ensign on the Bountiful Temple grounds, and spent hours talking. Telling stories, just sitting, and lots of cuddling. Yes, we were the couple people rolled their eyes at, but I don't remember anyone else being there anyway :). Happy happy.
I'm a honeymoon schizo, I change my mind everyday where I would like to go. I've been swept away with *another* new idea, mostly based on a book I'm reading, cheap airflights, and the fact that I've never been there. But I really like this idea. Maybe I should just let Trevor decide and surprise me.
I still like having a ring.

I'm loving my spring classes. I love having only two. It's the most amazing feeling having my reading done on time. In the past two years of school I have never once been totally up with my reading in any one class at one time. Always behind. And it isn't because I'm necessarily a slacker, because I'm actually not, there was always just too much to read. Honestly, no regular human being can read 300 pages a night, no matter how much your professor thinks you adore the subject. So going to class this semester has been a joy so far, with interesting discussion in class and a great professor. And I'm only on campus 6 hours a week, which I relish! It is going to be hard to do all my assignments in the skimpy 7 week semester, but I think I can do it. My research paper for this class (tell me how exciting this is!) is going to be on how the women portayed in silent films in the twenties was a part of the general shift in women's cultural and social paradigms. At least, that's what it is at the moment. Who knew I could actually write a paper about silent films. I'm thrilled!

I just read some really interesting articles in the NYTimes. One was about a new relationship trend called L.A.T.: Living Apart Together. It's a romantic relationship in which you are either married or committed to each other long-term but live in separate dwellings. Wierd huh. People have been doing it for years I guess. They just can't and won't learn to reconcile differences and personal space to live in the same place. They don't want to mesh identities. They want to remain separate.
I'm in such a rare and precious time of life, and it makes me see everything through a different prism, a total love-prism. I read that article thinking how much I want to mesh identities with Trev and share personal space, especially living space, and everything inbetween.
Second article was about how advertisers are inserting cell-phone sounds into commercials and radio announcements to get people's attention. It causes "phantom ringing." I have successfully owned a cell phone for nearly a year and I can truly tell you it did not transform my life and I do not depend on it. I hardly ever answer it (as a few of you can attest - sorry! Now you know my secret) because I honestly hate phone conversations.
Then I read how tight jeans are coming in, especially in men's fashion. Man, I've been hoping the 80's would come back in some form, and I think tight jeans are sexy. Can't wait to see this one climb the charts!

It's the wierdest weather right at this moment - windy and sorta stormy. In Hawaii we'd lose power for days at a time, and I remember loving it because it meant my mom took us out all day so we wouldn't open the fridge and let the retaining cold air out. We'd head into Honolulu to the Children's Museum or to our favorite beach.

Trev's done with finals and is now enjoying his mental freedom! Hopefully someday our breaks will coincide together. Plus I'm getting tired of our L.A.T., and want a little L.T. ASAP :)! Can't wait to wed!

wanderlust!

2006-04-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

We went and saw the loft apartment. As cute as it looked in the photos! I'm trying not to get my heart set on it. It's semi-affordable. The studio apartment was really not...what we could actually live with. The bed would have to be neighboring the stove. And the fact that it was only $100 less than the loft apartment, seemed sort of a rip off.
So. I discovered a brand new place to go on our honeymoon. I haven't wanted to go anywhere as much as this place so far! It would cost a lot though...so I'm debating whether or not we should spend the money and go, or save the money to pay for practical things. We'd find ways to pay for those practical things (car/health insurance, rent, groceries, etc.) somehow without that money, but is that smart? Probably not - but I'm such an adventurer in my heart! When I think of all the crazy adventures we could have, the necessities just don't seem to matter. I start thinking "I could live without breakfast or socks." Carpe diem while we're living, you know? I think I'd rather not be practical - I've started to realize I'm happiest when I'm adhering to my inner bohemian. To give a hint of where it may be: think treehouses in the jungle with crazy hikes to natural hot springs and waterfalls. Whoa baby. It made me want to start packing. My passports crying to be stamped again.
Not to sound like a travel-snob, but my passport looks awesome. I only have four pages left to stamp. I have some dang cool stamps too - favorite's from Rangoon, Burma. I don't travel to show off, and I hope I've never let off that impression to anyone. I don't know why I have this insane wanderlust. Probably comes from having two parents with similar traits and growing up in the military, and being an avid National Geo reader. Love to travel. Love it. Man - screw car insurance. I want to go on an adventure!
I have a feeling Trevor's going to be up for this. After all, this destination was his idea anyway. It's cheaper than Tahiti, but more than Florida or Hawaii. I want to go SO badly. Dah!

2006-04-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

"Domestic chores take up an average nine years, two months and 25 days over a lifetime."
Huh. I guess that's time spent doing the maintenance of living.

2006-04-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

Roger took these fun shots!

walking on clouds!

2006-04-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh happy day! Seriously - nothing can make me unhappy today. Finals are over! It's SUNNY HAPPY out! I never have to go back to Islamic art again! I'm getting married! Going to the Art Ball on Saturday!
I went shopping with my mom yesterday for a dress for her to wear to the Ball, so fun! It's fun to finally shop for her. We're always shopping for me. It's great to turn the tables around!
I got a massage last night! One of our Relief Society members is a masseuse and offered to host an enrichment. It was lovely - except my hometeacher was trying to schedule an appointment while my head was down in that horse-shoe thing...little awkward.
Trev's super stressed with his finals, and I almost feel guilty for being so happy. But -- I start again on Monday, so he'll have his turn twenty-fold. But I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I have no school responsibilities or exams - and no Dr. Finlayson!!!!*

*P.S.~ in her defense, she actually gave me an A on my research paper. Complete shock to me. I was sure she'd fail it - it wasn't that great of a paper, especially to her standards - but she gave me an A anyway. So no matter how I do on the final, I'll at least get a B in the class - yeeeeehah!

P.P.S.~ Write-aissance Members! When's our first meeting?! We can have it in the backyard of my house - the creek is loud and fun! Let's really get the ball rolling!

registry fun!

2006-04-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you what - I'm having fun setting up my registry. It's really fun to think of having my own towels and camping lantern. I don't know how much I'm allowed to put on there - and I feel pretentious putting expensive objects on there, like knife sets, vacuums and plates and stuff. I don't necessarily want people to spend a lot of money on my wedding presents. But my mom said, just put what you need, and these are things I really need...hmm. It's fun either way. I'm having fantasies of my future home. Funny I never see a t.v. in it, just a laptop. I've started the registry at Target, this being the link
I started thinking of really completely useless and peculiar things to put on there, like a pet stroller, or a talking broom, ha ha. People getting our invitations and checking our registry would be like "Whaa...?"

2006-04-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

I have consumed an unhealthy amount of sugar today. Eaten waaaay too much food.

Three finals down - two to go! Yeehah!

I've sort of quit caring what happens in Islamic art, because no matter what happens, Dr. Finalyson is going to be unfair towards me. I know every student feels like that with a hard professor but seriously she is out to get me. Here's my proof:
At the study group two days ago, the midterm inevitably came up. I told them what I got - and they were shocked (which did a lot to my poor, deflated academic ego) and all asked an emphatic "Why?!" When I explained that she took off 1/4 a point for every time I put the A.D. AFTER the date and not before, didn't even read my discussion to give me points for a good argument, and took off a full 1 and 1/2 points when I put "stone" as the medium, my friend Fan was like, "She must be holding you up to a higher standard - I didn't even put A.D. or B.C. She at least read my argument." Yeah, SEE!
So I figured out, even if I got 0 points on the final AND only 50 points on the research paper, I'll still get a C out of the class. I can do that. It will seriously lower my Major G.P.A. *sad!* but there's nothing I can do for it.

Trev & I found an apartment I'm drooling over. Here are some photos of the bedroom:

Yes, it's the loft bedroom I love. We're going to check it out on Friday. Hope it works out for us.

Well, I'm going to continue in my futile attempt to study for Islamic art. The final isn't till Wednesday at 7 AM. Yeah, everything for this class sucks - even the time of the final. Sheesh. I know I complain a lot about school - but it's because I think I genuinely don't like it. I'm at my very happiest in the summer, when I'm only working and coming home to read books I want to read. I hate deadlines and time pressures.

My dad is insisting on buying ATVs. I cannot express to you how much I am against this stupid decision. Case and point: My dad thinks it's a great idea to go snowmodiling in Idaho. Does he know anything about snowmobiling?! No. But we go. Andy loses a snow boot because my dad thinks the trails are only guidelines and plunges into an "open" field which turns out to be a lake, which causes Andy to almost lose his foot to frost bite, I throw up because of the exhaust fumes and bumpy ride, my dad tips a snowmobile over with my mom on it, etc. etc. etc. I know, personally, FOUR people who have broken their backs on ATVs. I hate them - the danger is just too much and they're stupid. Skydiving is a safer sport. I can't believe my dad thinks this is a good idea.

Anyway, I think I may continue in my incredibly unhealthy sugar binge and eat a lemon bar. *Sigh*. I probably won't even fit into my dress by June, ha ha.

Short List

2006-04-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite things:

Lunch appointments
Brand new baby leaves
Stars & astronomy & space
Flip flops
Root beer
Airplanes
My long hair
Trevor :0)
Ships
Beaches
Swimming
SUMMER
Good dreams
Cool pens
New clothes
When my car is clean (as Trev can attest – this is nearly never!)
Excellent books
Listening to other people’s high school drama
Reading other people’s blogs
Anything made of wood
Lord of the Rings
My comfy bed
Music & dancing
Unexpected As
When my dad hugs me and says, “Ohhhhhh Bunny” in a half-exasperated, half-loving, half-proud way*
Laughing ridiculously hard at my brothers’ jokes
Going to Disneyland
Seeing old family friends
Spending time with Holly & the Write Club
Watching movies
New, comfortable bras
Finding new radio stations & genres of music
Playing Fireball Island (that’s a big one!)
Opening new boxes at the Read Leaf and seeing all those new books waiting to be processed!
Shopping with my mom, especially grocery shopping
Seeing shapes in clouds
Tree bark
Art, art, art, art, art
Cool old buildings
Artsy/weird/crazy/fun people
Sunsets (never liked sunrises, actually)
Whenever Daina says “Shelley, you’re a great sister,” which is nearly everyday
Petting our dog Tiberius’s soft yellow Lab ears
Cuddling ‘n snuggling
Poetry
Haribo Gummy Bears
Children’s books & Young Adult lit.
Knowing there are still lots of places in the world I have never been

A short list, and by no means definitive of my loves & joys.

* Bunny is my nickname. Had since I was little.

application

2006-04-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Trevor loves his new job. He had his first day of full-on, all-day scrub training. He left this energetic message in my voice mail: "Oh babe - I got to mop up a ton of blood! I also got to hold up arms and legs during surgery and watch the surgeons hack away. It was aaaawesome! My job rocks! I saw an amputation, and tons of surguries. I love it. It's so exciting!" I was thinking, "This is awesome - I'm glad he loves it!" But then I get queasy, ha ha.
Finals are literally oppressive at the moment.
Yesterday I had some traumatic experiences apartment & job hunting up in Murray. I just don't want to grow up. Man alive. I got applications for lots of places. I was just frustrated realizing how futile my major really is. I wish at least one of my applications said something like: "What references to the Last Judgement and resurrection are in the geometric shapes & layout of the Taj Mahal?" Or maybe "What did the Medici family do for Florence in Italian Renaissance art?" *Sigh*. I love Art History, with an intense fiery passion, but it just doesn't do anything for finding a job.
I get so terribly sad when I think of not working at the Read Leaf anymore. It has been the perfect, most happy, greatest job. I've made such dear friends and learned so many things.
I couldn't find anywhere to live. Everything's too expensive for us. Ahh!
Good news: I can test out of English 115, and therefore only take 2 courses over Spring, therefore unloading a little pre-wedding stress.
My dress has acquired a wrinkle because of the alterations, but it's still absolutely beautiful.
I miss my brother Ben, dreafully. Dreadfully.
I hate Islamic art, more and more everyday.

I'm feeling good today. I had a dreadful, teary day yesterday, but I had some horrible nightmares (including one where I murder a cop by electronically slamming a metal gate over his cop car while he's driving into my driveway to come arrest me....what?!) and somehow woke up completely refreshed. It's wierd but great. I literally feel like a new person. I haven't thought of Trevor's parents for more than 5 seconds. Yeehah.

oomph.

2006-04-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm a little sad because I started this blog to work on my creative writing. It has now become a sort of daily journal...I guess that's part of creative writing too, but I was thinking more like short stories and such...but it's okay. I guess I'll just follow the blog where it wants to go. I bet when I'm not in school and actually want to write again this site will be proliferated with painful new writing works from me.
Oh, what to say about the past three days. Could I just say they've lasted a lifetime each, that my engagement was three threads away from dissolving, I've cried more in the last three days than in the whole last three years put together? Yikes. I'm fine now though - so don't worry - really I am. A lot of the issues have been solved, but not without a whole lot of effort and emotional turmoil. Do I feel like telling the story? Sort of. So here goes.
I send out a very cheerful e-mail to start the address-gathering process for the reception invite list to everyone in my address book. Blake, Trevor's brother, is in my address book. I didn't even think that would ever be a problem. But oh, oh, it was. He was furious with me, and sent me the nastiest e-mail I've ever recieved and been meaner than any single person has ever been to me. I cried and cried. Mostly because I had never had anyone treat me like that before. It has been horrible. I was not satisfied with the course of action Trevor took in this affair, and was angry with his level of calm and level-headedness, when I wanted him to do what my brothers were doing - frothing at the mounth and threatening to literally kill him. Yes, that is what I wanted, but he was being a bigger person. Anyway, so I call him up in tears the day after and make him come to see me right that minute and told him I don't know if I could marry him anymore because I could not accept the way he handled the situation. To make a verrrrry long story short, we discussed things long long long into the night, Blake sent an apology less than 24 hours later, and Trevor and I worked things out. We're really good at that - communicating our problems out. I think part of it is that I realize how men really don't pick up on women's emotional needs more than 75% of the time, so I have to tell him. He is really sensitive, but sometimes I have to just lay it out there for him.
Drama drama drama. It's been horrible, reader. But some good is coming out of it - like the future-parents-in-law have come down on my side and we've been able to bond a little. That really is a blessing. But when I was praying to Heavenly Father to let me see a way to make Trevor's parents like me, I certainly did not have this plan in mind *sigh*. I am really better now. I've somehow managed to just ride it out - but I am thoroughly exhausted, especially because I've had those two stupid research papers due this week. But you know what? They're in. I got my homework done, and I don't care what grade I got. I really don't care about anything right now - how could you when the weather is THIS beautiful! Wow! And not only that, but I've had some great food today, and am about to embark on a beautiful dessert.
So all in all, I am better from all this, and certainly more mature - which is why we are on earth, yes? Optimism has triumphed yet again, for the satisfaction of all.

Shelley the Sell-Out, Lessons and Pretty Things

2006-04-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I had a conversation with Alyssa in Welsh about what kind of music she liked (I'll have you know I spoke it all in Welsh!). She replied that she liked too many different genres of music to pick a few, so I asked her to tell me which ones she hated. She said, sadly not in Welsh, "I hate sell-outs."

I am a sell-out. A bona fide sell-out. Yes, your Shelley the Bohemian is a sell-out. Everyone brace for a shock. After all my rantings against the evils of large corporate book store chains, where do I apply first in Murray? Barnes & Noble. Oh my heart hurts typing that. But before you all disown me as a friend, I'll tell you why! First of all because it's two blocks away from Trevor's job and from where we are going to *hopefully* live. If I could work there, it would mean we would only need one car - therefore saving on insurance. Second reason - when I thought of all the places to work, it was too sad for me to think of giving up working with books. I love it too much. I hopefully won't even get the job so I won't have to wrangle with my feelings of betrayal. I think I also need to branch out in my ideas of jobs...I just can't think of where else to apply...
Beyond that horrible confession, I learned so many things in Church on Sunday. It was ward conference, and the first speaker wrote his talk for me. Everyone knows how much I've been struggling with Trev's parents, and this helped at least my mental status concerning them. He spoke on how we are how we treat others. Meaning, the way we treat others determines what our outward appearance looks, the light in our eyes, our general happiness and our estate in the next life. He concluded that you just need an abundance of love & charity, and I realized that will be the key to success with his parents - just continue giving as much love as I possibly can. I can be really good at that. Then the speaker spoke on how time can be really warped in this time in our lives because we have to make so many important decisions so quickly. I realized this situation will probably be completely different in a year, which, in the scheme of things, is nothing! So I'm a new woman, with new resolve to love and be patient.

And - oh everyone start getting excited - I GOT A RING! Yay! It's absolutely beautiful! It's actually not my real ring, it's a stand-in ring that looks an awful lot like my real one that I can wear until the real one is finished. It's real diamond and white gold and everything, but it's just not the finished design. I guess the genuine, Trevor-designed ring is taking it's sweet time. I'm afraid I'm going to grow attached to the ring I am wearing now though, I like it so much! I'm not telling people I don't know very well and probably won't see again after this semester that it isn't the real ring because it takes too much time to explain and not only that but they won't remember what it looks like anyway. It just feels good to have a ring on my finger, the real one or not, because whenever someone finds out I'm engaged they look at my finger and ask where it is. Yay for pretty things & rings!

Apartment hunting was relatively successful. We left our names at a few places and got a few estimates. I'm sort of sad living in Murray, because especially compared to Springville, it has no personality or soul. *Sigh*. It's just sort of a big industrial center.
We were driving down a series of roads just looking for apartment buildings near the hospital when I asked Trevor to drive down this beautiful cherry-tree lined lane with rows of beautiful, European looking houses. We just sighed, and started dreaming out our ideal home. That was fun.
We then went back to Trev's home, where his parents 100% ignored me *yet another sigh*, and watched King Kong. I have never seen the original (I know - for an old movie fan I should be ashamed) and was really engrosed in it until things started getting really violent, which is when I decided to nap. I was trying to get Trevor to watch a movie Margy lent me, Kitchen Stories, but he wanted to watch Kong.
Parents are FINALLY home from Egypt! They brought home all sorts of great things - perfumes, clothes, cartouches, original photo prints, fake canopic jars, the general Egypt kitch. Very fun. They had a marvelous time, but my Dad's been really grouchy due to jet lag. My mom's just trying to play catch up. It's so nice not to be completely in charge anymore.
My car's going in the shop tomorrow for some engine repairs. I turned my dress in to be fitted better. Trevor and I went to the Organ Loft and saw a Buster Keaton film. I tell ya, I just love going there! I love hearing the theater organ, how it rumbles your seat and all the odd-end sound effects it can make from one console, and all the white hairs who probably saw Buster Keaton when he was first in theaters. Not my favorite silent, but it was fun none the less. It was doubly fun because it's almost been an entire year from the first date Trev & I went on after he got home from his mission - which was at the Organ Loft.

Anyway, lots of random and fun and great things have been happening. Just please don't hold my B&N application against me :).

wet wet wet

2006-04-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Fast fast fast:

Mom and Dad come home Friday - yes!

It wasn't raining when I left this morning - I am thoroughly unprepaired in the fashion department. I've just been laughing all day at my wet wet wet & sloshy mocassins :).

Trevor's coming down in a few hours HOORAY!

Future in-laws have hit an all-time low in negativity ratings and rantings and ravings. I'm about ready to suddenly become deaf and dumb around them (wouldn't that be hilarious in a Monty-Python-sketch kind of way? To be active and chatty when Trevor's in the room, but as soon as his folks walk in my eyes go a little wall-eyed and glazed over and I don't react to anything? Yes; best course of action!). I really was so furious last night with what they were saying to Trevor about me I couldn't focus. Seriously. I didn't know people actually talked behind people's backs; this is quite literally my first experience with someone spreading bad rumors about me. They are must definitely be extraterrestials.

I'm sort of feeling a down-hill slope feel with the semester. Only 7 days of class left. The good point hit when I finally concluded my researching is done for both my papers, now all's left is writing, editing, footnoting, etc. Happy day! I'm not even comprehending finals at the moment - I'm just revelling in the fact that my papers are almost done.

What I really need is some positive reinforcement at the moment - someone to just pat my back and say: "Hey - you're really not all that bad! Look how hard you are working! Wow! What effort! And I appreciate it! Those papers, driving the sibs to school, shuffling them to bed, feeding them, cleaning the house, driving driving driving, school, homework. And, best of all Shelley dear, look how you are being the bigger person with Trev's parents and continue to give them the benefit of the doubt! No snide comments from you - not you! Way to go - high five - and here's a carton of Phish Food ice cream for ya!"
Ha ha ha. That was enough I think, just writing that :).

Can you solve the riddle?

2006-04-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

Alive without breath
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail never clinking.

paper lanterns

2006-04-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

I read today that ninety percent of your waking health is dependent on your sleep. I believe that's true. I know I need nine hours of sleep to be completely, 100% good to go. Like I ever get that much sleep. Like last night, had another 4 AM wake & couldn't sleep. Stupid. I put it to too little Trevor in my diet. A Trevor Deficite Disorder, aka TDD. I wish he were coming down today, and we'd get the marvelous artichoke dip at the Trolley and go to the Art Museum and look at art. Yes, that would be my perfect day. But I do have to go to Welsh, which is always fun, and then homework homework homework. *Sigh*. Parents come home on Friday, only two more days! Hooray!
I've always wanted to go to a gem show, has anyone ever been? I think it'd be fun.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I still hate Islamic art.
I had two cysts unexpectedly rupture on Sunday. One of the most painful nights of my life. And Trevor was there to see it - euhhh. He doesn't handle throwing up AT ALL, ha ha, or me crying, for that matter.
His parents finally relented on the wedding morning breakfast - we're having a dinner the night before. Hallelujah!
I'm doing alright. I just want to go out to lunch and forget all homework.

Oh - and I had some stellar ideas about the reception whilst in the bath tub last night. We're going to make it more like a dance. Make those Mormons dance! With Trev's and my favorite swing and jazz, with big paper lanterns, no line, and lots of food. I saw a picture in a magazine of a buffet of white candies at a reception, and it looked SO fun. I know my mom would just think that was the greatest idea ever. Can't wait to tell her when she comes home!

2006-04-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

Holly called me at work, and said "Hi - I was wondering if you had a certain book in stock. (I saw, "yeah - what book?" not recognizing Holly's voice at all) "It's called "I Hate My Islamic Art Class." Do you have any?" I am, of course, laughing pretty hard by then, and reply, "Yes - in plenty!" Best part of my day.

What's Your Phobia?

2006-04-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

I read this article in the BBC Magazine Online, I got some odd "humour" out of it. My personal phobia is birds. Those beady little dead eyes, spastic fluttering, scaly, clawed feet...*shivvvver*. It came from a bad experience with a seagull in Corpus Christi in Texas when I was four or five. I was eating a piece of pizza when this, to me anyway, HUGE flock of seagulls surrounded me and snatched the pizza right out of my hands. I've hated birds ever since. Yikes!

"Your 20 worst fears
Last week, in response to an article about phobias, readers were invited to send in their own fears. Here are some of things that leave you shaken and stirred.

PEAS RELEASE ME
Peas

Why do people get phobias?
As the Magazine reported last Friday, the list of officially-recognised phobias is long and often bizarre, and it is estimated that 13 percent of the adult population will develop a phobia at some point.

In response, you weren't slow to share your own fears. Many were so pungently described as to be almost contagious; some were intended to amuse. Here, we present a selection of 20 of your fears - look away now if the mere mention of buttons, animal costumes or takeaway forks send you into a cold sweat.

20. Haircuts: People think my hair is long because of my indie dress sense, but to be honest it is because I am scared to death of the chair and the scissors. I am shaking typing this. My last haircut was 12 months ago, when my flatmate took kitchen scissors to my head when I was asleep. I feel ridiculous but even therapy just won't work.
Chris McCall, Edinburgh

19. Birds, wings, feathers: Walking around town squares is frightening and hellish for me - the thousands of pigeons seem like brainless assassins after my life.
Ju-Lee Sandhu, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

18. Gravy: My big brother has a phobia of gravy. The mere mention of gravy sends him into a frenzy.
Jo Traynor, Liverpool

17. Boats: I have an incredible fear of boats. It's silly and irrational and I realise that, but the bigger the ship, the more terrified I am of the thought of it floating on water or even going out to sea. .
Roddy Fraser, London

16. Mould/cheese: I have a phobia of mould. I know how irrational it is - until I see some mould, then I run from the room shaking. I also get shaky at blue cheese. I agree about the stress aspect - when I'm under pressure my panic is far greater. I'm not mad. Honest.
Katherine, London

15. Computers: I'd like to comment, but I'm scared of computers.
Tony Gallagher, Oamaru, New Zealand

14. Scarecrows: "I am terrified of scarecrows and I have no idea why. I just find them truly hideous to behold."
Matt, Kent

13. Flamingos: "If one comes on the television I normally retch. Luckily there aren't many that I come in contact with day to day. I think it might have started with the ones in Alice in Wonderland when I was a child."
Nadia, Brighton

12. Carrots: "I've feared carrots since a very young age. I put it down to them being orange with what appears to be green hair and those teeth like fangs."
Nathan Walsh, Sheffield

11. Pen-lids: "I have two very odd phobias. I cannot look or go anywhere near sheep, and the other is pen lids. I cannot have a pen lid on my desk in front of me. If I see one at work I have to get a colleague to come and pick it up for me. I cannot even touch it myself."
Andrea Ward, Essex

10. Coleslaw: "I can't have it in the house, let alone in my fridge. When I'm out to eat I have to check with the waiter before ordering that there will be no coleslaw on my plate and avoid looking at other peoples plates, just in case."
Daniel Windrim, Belfast

9. Cats: "I have extreme phobia for cats. Hence I always check before visiting anyone whether they have cats. I would not go near or be near to a cat. It can cause a lot of anxiety in me, weeks of sleepless nights or even fall ill. Some people do not take the phobia seriously. Therefore it add further stress to me when joke about it."
Christina Spybey, London

8. Wind farms: "I am terrified of wind farms. As a regular visitor to Devon and Cornwall, where there are quite a few, I have to insist all the car doors are locked. Over-exposure to the original War of the Worlds may be the cause."
Sarah, Bristol

7. Animal costumes: "I have an intense fear of people in those big animal costumes. Football mascots for example. The thought of going to Disneyland and meeting Mickey Mouse frightens the life out of me. I think it's the constant smile and their inability to speak. Plus you don't know who is inside the costume. If I see one in the street I run the other way and find a new way to my destination."
Sarah, Derby

6. Takeaway forks/ice lolly sticks: "I have a fear of the wooden forks you get when you buy fish and chips, does it get any odder than that?"
Steve, London
"I was in my teens when this started. I remember being a child and chewing the stick afterwards and being scolded for it. Now, even touching a stick, such as the wooden forks that come with fish and chips or a kebab skewer makes me physically sick. Even writing this mail has me bringing up water in my mouth. Even curiouser I can touch bare wood (my job usually involves wooden pallets) so I think it's just wood that food's on."
Lee Dixon, Sunderland

5. The letter Y: "M phobia is all about the letter . Ever time I tr to press it on the ke board, it makes me want to cr . I know it seems sill to ever one else, but it all started when I was a bab , and I swallowed a magnetic letter. At least that's what My mumm and dadd told me an wa ."
Paul Davies, Swindon, UK

4. Tomatoes: " Not just any tomatoes - big, juicy beef tomatoes with glistening red skins. If I am served one, sliced or unsliced, it turns my stomach and I cannot touch any food that has been in contact with it. It stems from my childhood. I was 11 and went to play with a friend one afternoon. I remember the kitchen being gloomy and filled with the most disgusting smell of tripe cooking on the range for the dogs in big steaming iron pots. His father, a tall booming man with no hair, served us up some sandwiches while we sat bare-legged on cold wooden stools. They were filled with thick slices of ham (I am now vegetarian) and pieces of roughly-cut tomato. I remember the clear goo dripping from the edges of the bread and the smell of tripe filling the room and his father loudly telling us to eat up and me choking on a piece of tomato."
Antony Davis, London

3 Baked beans: "Just typing and thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I can't be in the same house as anyone eating them, the smell alone brings me out in a sweat."
Elaine Green, Littlehampton
"As a child I was completely terrified of baked beans. I couldn't sit on the same table as someone who was eating them and I used to feel physically sick at the sight of them. I used to inspect the soles of my shoes every time I left the school refectory to ensure that I hadn't stepped on a bean. Horror of horrors, my worst nightmare was realised, when one day I stepped on a bean. It sounds incredulous but my mum had to buy me another pair of shoes as I refused to wear shoes that had been contaminated."
Sarah Jones, Cardiff

2. Balloons: "I have severe globophobia - a fear of balloons. It makes shopping difficult when stores are giving away balloons to children, and it is practically impossible for me to go to a party without first checking if balloons will be part of the decoration."
Clair, Southampton
"I once had to leave my office because it had been decorated for a big launch with hundreds of balloons and I just freaked out. Walking through town is a nightmare with the balloons that get handed out to children in restaurants and shops. Funnily enough though, it's only the latex ones I'm afraid of - it's not just the bang factor, it's the squeaking and the smell. But maybe even more unusual is a friend of mine who has a pathological fear... of jam."
Wyvern, Plymouth UK

1. Buttons: "My button phobia started when I was about 10, after the most awful experience with a demon - oops, I mean dentist. As he was tearing my mouth to bits all I can remember is crying and the four buttons on his white tunic. I've been married for 25 years and my wife still has to carefully choose what clothes she buys as not to upset me. And God help me if I ever see a pearly King or Queen."
Danny, Sidcup, Kent
"Even as a small child I hated being dressed in any items with buttons on them. I am getting better as I get older and can wear certain items of clothing but still seeing small white plastic buttons makes my stomach turn (even writing this made me feel a bit odd.)"
Yvonne, Wilton
"Since I was little I have always had a fear of buttons - not buttons on clothes but loose ones that are either on the floor or if I am rummaging around in a drawer and come across one I freak out and can't even touch it. I have since met two other people that have the same phobia - at least I am not the only one."
Kirsty Turner, Brighton"

I saw Chris at the Guster concert. I thought he has already left to go back to his mission, but I guess not. His brothers all gave me hugs and were chatting it up, but he acted like I wasn't there. That was okay with me.
I was stuck in 2 and 1/2 hour traffic from southern Salt Lake to Orem last night. Golly!
Sarah made it just in time for the opening act to end and heard all of Guster. They were fun live. It was funny how Sarah & I have really lost a lot of our inhibitions on the dance floor since we have both secured men.

Don't feel like writing much more.